Move over, “alternative facts”—“conspiracy facts” are here! On Tuesday night, Jimmy Kimmel paid tribute to the mask mandate protestors, a.k.a. “pandummies,” who have taken their wild grumblings about the dangers of face mask-wearing from social media to the streets. According to Kimmel, they’re been “popping up at public hearings and school board meetings to complain about mask-wearing and share their conspiracy theories.”
So Kimmel decided to pay tribute to their inanity by cobbling together a best-of video, which he titled “Clown Hall,” in which a seemingly never-ending stream of batsh*t anti-vaxxers spew their bizarre facts about COVID and… E.T.? Here’s just a taste of some of the totally logical arguments made against wearing a thin piece of fabric across your face that could very well save your life.
“If God wanted us to cover our mouth and nose, he would have designed us that way.” (Note: This woman had to read that sentence from her iPhone—just to make sure she got the wording just right.)
“We are designed to breathe oxygen, not our own body waste.”
“Maybe the reason we have people in the hospital is all this mask wearing! Did we ever think of that?! DID WE EVER THINK OF THAT?!” (Those exclamation points aren’t even coming close to communicating the urgency of this woman’s message.)
“I know you guys think that’s a conspiracy theory, but it’s not. It’s a conspiracy fact.”
“If you wore that diaper on your face, if he farted right now, could you smell it?”
“God forbid my son got it and died. That would be hard—that would be so hard. But that was my choice.” (Does this constitute premeditated murder?)
“E.T.! E.T. came down, they quarantined the whole house. They had hazmat suits on. What do you have, short-term memory loss? ‘Cause I think you do.”
“Take one of these spoons and put it on your vaccination spot. Guess what? It’s going to stick to you! Guess what else? You take a black light flashlight and shine it on your veins, and you’re now going to glow in the blacklight because guess what? You’re no longer human.”
And our personal favorite: “YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR CHILDREN’S CHILDREN WILL BE SUFFOCATED!”
You can watch the full presentation above, beginning around the 6:10 mark. Sound most definitely on!