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Jimmy Kimmel Isn’t Saying You Should Mail Your Poop To Ted Cruz, But He’s Also Not Not Saying It

With hospitals at capacity and the wait to get a doctor’s appointment stretching for months, many people (not just Joe Rogan podcast listeners) are taking health care into their own hands. The Wall Street Journal reports that “more consumers are turning to gadgets, home kits, apps, and monitors for tasks and tests previously handled by trained medical workers. They are monitoring their own blood pressure, conducting EKGs, tracking blood sugar and cholesterol levels, and pricking their own fingers for blood tests normally done at the doctor’s.” DIY patients are also handing their own, let’s say, waste — and if they do, Jimmy Kimmel knows where to send it.

“One common result of the pandemic is that people are taking health care into their own hands,” the late-night host said during Wednesday’s episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live. “Doctors and hospitals have been so overwhelmed, it can take like a month to get an appointment, so people are treating themselves at home. So much so there’s a name for it now. They’re calling it ‘do-it-yourself’ healthcare, and they’re selling products.”

There’s even an at-home test to screen for colon cancer. “You collect your own stool sample and you ship it to the lab from your house. And it’s easy to do. If you have a stool sample, you collect it. There are several locations where you can send it or drop it off, they’re all listed right here,” Kimmel said, while the office locations for his long-time “desperate for attention” nemesis Ted Cruz were displayed. “Write the word ‘Ted’ on it. They will love… Just make sure he knows it’s not Tucker Carlson’s, so he doesn’t eat it.”

You can watch Kimmel’s monologue above.