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Herschel Walker Told A Truly Baffling Anecdote About A Horny Bull… Who Impregnated Three Cows… And Eating Grass… And Please Make It Stop

A lot of people are demanding to hear Herschel Walker directly address the claims that he persuaded a woman to have abortions and sent her a $700 check in get-well card to reimburse her for the procedure. But that might very well be a case of “Be careful what you wish for.” Because if you’ve listened to Herschel try to explain, well, anything—including how many U.S. states there are (he says 52)—things are bound to only get more confusing.

On Tuesday, the senatorial candidate and former pro football player concluded a campaign speech in Georgia with what Mediaite’s Michael Luciano described as “a janky parable about how the United States is the best country in the world — using a randy bull to get there.” Here’s what Walker said:

As they’ve been saying, “Something is better somewhere else.” And I’m here to tell you it’s not. So, I’ve been telling this little story about this bull out in the field with six cows, and three of them are pregnant. So you know he got something goin’ on. But all he cared about, is keep his nose against the fence looking at three other cows that didn’t belong to him. Now all he had to do is eat grass. But no, no, no. He thought something was better somewhere else.

So he decided, “I want to get over there.” So one day he measured that fence up, and he said, “I think I can jump this.” So that day came where he got back. And as he got back and as he took off running, he dove over that fence and his belly got cut up onto the bottom. But as he made it onto the other side, he shook it off and got so excited about it. And he ran to the top of that hill, but when he got up there he realized they were bulls, too.

So what I’m telling you: Don’t think something is better somewhere else. This is the greatest country in the world today.

Could Walker just have thrown in a trite-but-effective (and much less long-winded) “the grass is always greener”? Sure. But that’s not Herschel’s style.

Of course, it didn’t help the negative headlines swirling around Walker that the way he chose to share that he is a patriot who loves America, and wants you to love it, too, is by talking about a horny bull. At the same time, we wouldn’t expect any less from the Georgia candidate.