Florida Governor Ron DeSantis — noted as a man who eats pudding with his fingers and laughs like a hyena on cocaine — is expected to officially toss his hat in the presidential ring next week.
According to The Wall Street Journal, the conservative firebrand who appears afraid his balls might shrivel up if people in his immediate vicinity utter the word “gay” at any given time, is planning to announce his candidacy on May 25th. DeSantis will reportedly file paperwork with the Federal Election Commission next week before kicking off a major fundraising party and a string of donor events to raise the millions it will take to go up against his former mentor, Donald Trump.
Now, running against another Republican who might just be orchestrating his presidential campaign from the inside of a jail cell seems like a no-brainer, but this is Ron DeSantis we’re talking about. Even with Trump’s recent string of lawsuits, some which carry serious jail time and others which confirm what we all knew to be true — that he’s a gross, corrupt, creep — DeSantis is somehow still behind him in the polls. Like, 30 percentage points behind.
Announcing his candidacy will allow the Florida governor to begin fundraising in earnest — something he couldn’t do while simply contemplating a presidential run — but all the money in the world can’t make some of his recent political moves attractive to moderate voters. Currently, DeSantis is signing bills into law that strip gay and trans people of their rights, and he’s also in a one-man losing war with Disney, an obsession that could cost his state billions and land him in legal trouble as well.
But sure, take your own brand of right-wing crazy to the national stage DeSantis. We can’t wait to hear more about how your conservative buddies would rather have their teeth pulled without anesthesia than hang out with you.