It’s hard out here for the Shiv girls. She’s not making it very easy. It’s tough when there is already a tense backdrop to the latest episode of Successionthat had viewers reliving election nightmares from years past, and now that Shiv’s side involvement with Matsson was revealed, all hell has broken loose. Though she kind of had it coming.
After attempting to apologize to Tom (after revealing her pregnancy, but before calling him filth), Shiv begins to panic as her alliance with Matsson is hinted at to Greg, the worst person to tell things to. As she tries to do damage control, Shiv and her brothers end up in a classic sibling quibble, though the stakes are a bit higher than your average “you stole my favorite pair of jeans!” fight that you might be used to. Again, it’s hard out here for the Shiv fans.
Of course, she can’t win all the time (or ever) but she had to know sooner or later her brothers would find out and subsequently dunk on her. And that’s exactly what they did! Even though it was hard to watch Shiv Nation fall, it was only a matter of time before her brothers got really mean to her. And they sure did get mean.
people are going to have watched this succession episode where roman actively got a neo nazi elected into office and kendall agreed to it bc he was mad at shiv and still say she’s the most evil sibling. misogyny is rotting brains on and off the show pic.twitter.com/uyr4n909AO
shiv having no explanation prepared in the likely event that her brothers found out about her deal with matsson + her not even being able to get it out because ken and roman are just mocking her relentlessly so she can barely get a word out GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE
More recently, Petras dropped “Alone” with Nicki Minaj and attended the 2023 Met Gala. The German pop star has done all of this (and plenty more) before putting out a debut album. That will change this summer.
“The story begins on June 23rd,” Petras posted this morning, May 15. “Feed The Beast.”
Indeed, Feed The Beast is the title of her forthcoming debut album, and it wasn’t the only announcement Petras made this morning.
Petras was also revealed as one of Sports Illustrated‘s cover stars for the 2023 edition of its annual Swimsuit Issue. That reveal happened on TODAY. The other cover stars are Martha Stewart, Megan Fox, and Brooks Nader (as relayed by SI).
— Sports Illustrated Swimsuit (@SI_Swimsuit) May 15, 2023
“I was so excited when I got the call to be in Sports Illustrated,” Petras told the publication. “It’s very iconic, and a lot of very iconic people have done it before, so [it was a] big dream come true for me.”
She added, “I think what you do is the most important thing, not what your gender is. No matter what your gender or sexuality or any of that stuff is, it’s about what you make of life and it’s about what’s inside of you and all of that, so I hope that can be inspiring to people.”
Per a press release, Petras will commemorate the honor by performing at Hard Rock Live at Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Hollywood in Hollywood, Florida this Friday, May 19, for an presented by Sports Illustrated Swimsuit. Petras can also be seen at Governors Ball on Friday, June 9.
Feed The Beast is out 6/23 via Republic Records/Amigo Records. Find more information here.
Offset celebrated Cardi B on Mother’s Day with a sweet message on Instagram — and, true to the couple’s fondness for PDA, he also included a racy photo from Cardi’s last pregnancy photoshoot. “Happy Mother’s Day my beautiful wife,” he wrote. “Such a great mother you went against everything for our babies and still was able to balance it all out! I love you 4ever and 4L.”
Meanwhile, the photo carousel started with the nude pregnancy pic, then included a selfie from Cardi in her underwear, pictures of the couple’s kids, Kulture and Wave, and a cute video of Kulture rubbing Cardi’s baby belly before Wave’s arrival.
Cardi and Offset have earned a reputation as one of the entertainment business’ most affectionate couples. Their love for PDA is unrivaled, and it seems that every holiday or special occasion gives them another opportunity to make posts showing off their love — and a lot of skin. For Offset’s birthday last year, he posted a photo of Cardi twerking on him in front of a waterfall, while at the Grammys this year, they put on a red-carpet display that would make anyone blush.
Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
Fox News host Tomi Lahren got called out on her own network after an air quotes laden rant attacking Joe Biden for saying America has a white supremacy crisis. Biden made the remarks during a commencement speech at Howard University on Saturday.
“White supremacy … is the single most dangerous terrorist threat in our homeland,” Biden said via Politico. “And I’m not just saying this because I’m at a Black HBCU. I say this wherever I go.”
“Fearless progress toward justice often means ferocious pushback from the oldest and most sinister of forces,” Biden said. “That’s because hate never goes away. … It only hides under the rocks. And when it’s given oxygen it comes out from under that rock. And that’s why we know this truth as well: silence is complicity. We cannot remain silent.”
Tomi Lahren did not like that. On Sunday, she attacked Biden’s remarks and criticized him for not focusing on the “border crisis” and “national security” instead. Via Raw Story:
You can solve the border crisis. That’s solvable. Donald Trump did it! You can solve national security, to an extent. You can’t solve this boogeyman called white supremacy, and that’s why they continue to echo it because they don’t actually have to do anything. They just get to fire people up and make people feel like oppressors and victims, and it’s a talking point that unfortunately has been very effective, so they’re going to keep using it.
Lahren’s co-host Joey Jones immediately called her out by highlighting the increased frequency of mass shooters leaving behind white supremacist manifestos.
“White supremacy is not a good thing,” Jones said. “I’m all for attacking where it exists. The body count for lone wolf terrorists in this country is higher now than it’s been in a long time. I am for anything to help with that and have those discussions.”
Ed Sheeran’s four-part Disney+ docuseries, The Sum Of It All, gave an intimate look at his personal life, including his relationship with his wife, Cherry Seaborn, and their growing family. The couple shares two daughters, Lyra, 2, and Jupiter, 1, and one episode of the docuseries focuses on Sheeran adjusting to the impact his high-demand career has on his family dynamic.
Meet Cutes NYC orchestrated the encounter and posted the result on Instagram and TikTok. In the video, the couple answers seemingly innocuous questions about how they met and their shared interests. The latter category includes Sheeran, as their first dance at their wedding was to “Put It All On Me” from Sheeran’s 2019 album, No. 6 Collaborations Project.
Out of nowhere, Sheeran appeared from behind them. The woman started shrieking in glee while the man screamed, “Holy sh*t! This just made our life. That’s fantastic.”
After they relayed that “Put It All On Me” was their first dance, Sheeran remarked, “I think that’s the first time I’ve heard somebody dance to that. That’s great.” And after learning they were due to welcome a baby boy in five weeks, he imparted simple wisdom: “Month 4, it gets easier. … The one thing you need to know is that no one gets it right.”
“We heard this couple had a great story and were HUGE Ed Sheeran fans… Thank you Ed for allowing us to be a part of the special surprise,” Meet Cutes NYC captioned the post.
Sheeran has begun the overlapping North American legs of his Mathematics Tour and Subtract Tour. The former continues at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida on May 20, and the latter will kick off at Ruth Eckerd Hall in Clearwater, Florida on May 19. See all of his upcoming dates here.
Ed Sheeran is a Warner Music artist. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
Keeping up with new music can be exhausting, even impossible. From the weekly album releases to standalone singles dropping on a daily basis, the amount of music is so vast it’s easy for something to slip through the cracks. Even following along with the Uproxx recommendations on a daily basis can be a lot to ask, so every Monday we’re offering up this rundown of the best new music this week.
This week saw Janelle Monáe clearly own the moment and J. Cole come through with a guest verse. Yeah, it was a great week for new music. Check out the highlights below.
Monáe has been the talk of the internet over the past few days, and while that’s mostly been for racy reasons, ICYMI, she dropped new music, too. The song is “Lipstick Lover” and the smooth island vibes of the tune are perfect for ushering in summer.
Lil Durk — “All My Life” Feat. J. Cole
J. Cole turned up last week to deliver an uplifting message alongside Lil Durk on “All My Life.” The track features the pair reflecting on their pasts with an optimistic look at how far they’ve come and how well they’re doing these days.
Jonas Brothers — “Miracle”
The ongoing Jonas Brothers comeback has been a huge success. 2019’s Happiness Begins, their first new project in a decade, was their first No. 1 album. Now they’ve followed that up with The Album, an LP that borrows from a number of nostalgic styles, like on the funky album opener “Miracle.”
Arlo Parks — “Pegasus” Feat. Phoebe Bridgers
You know it’s a good week when you get new Phoebe Bridgers. She popped up on the latest from Arlo Parks, “Pegasus.” Uproxx’s Alex Gonzalez notes of the track, “On the song, Parks and Bridgers sing of a special kind of happy, queer love. The two get lost in each other’s sweet harmonies while taking each other on a whirlwind of emotions.”
Daft Punk — “Infinity Repeating (2013 Demo)” Feat. Julian Casablancas
The Daft Punk vault has been opened: The now-defunct electronic duo dropped a deluxe anniversary edition of Random Access Memories last week, and it came with a bunch of extras. The most appealing of which is “Infinity Repeating,” another Julian Casablancas collaboration that’s welcomed new material from the group.
Queens Of The Stone Age — “Emotion Sickness”
It’s been nearly six years since Villians, the 2017 album that’s currently the latest from Queens Of The Stone Age. Josh Homme and company finally came storming back last week, though, when they announced a new album and shared the characteristically guitar-driven “Emotion Sickness.”
BTS — “The Planet”
Currently, BTS stands for “Boys in The Service,” since the group members are currently doing their mandatory military service in South Korea. They’re not leaving fans empty-handed, though: They just dropped “The Planet,” an upbeat, celebratory new single that’ll certainly help in holding Army over until BTS is back to music full-time.
Shakira — “Acróstico”
Shakira has had herself a year, starting notably with “Music Sessions Vol. 53” in January. Heartbreak is still on her mind, as she sings (translated from Spanish) on last week’s “Acrostico,” “You taught me that love is not a scam / and that when it’s real it doesn’t end / I tried that you don’t see me crying / don’t see my fragility, but things are not always as we dream.”
Jorja Smith — “Little Things”
After a relatively quiet 2022, Jorja Smith dropped her second single of the year last week, “Little Things.” Uproxx’s Aaron Williams notes of the song, “Upping the tempo and incorporating elements of garage and Afrobeats, ‘Little Things’ finds Smith revealing all the small actions and details that turn her on in a romantic partner.”
aespa — “Spicy”
K-pop is huge right now and aespa has established themselves as one of the most dominant acts in the space. They had a new mini album, MY WORLD, last week and it features “Spicy,” a single that indeed has some spice, as well as some in-your-face synths that create an assertive but pop-friendly atmosphere.
Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
Last week, macabre singer The Weeknd announced his intention to “kill” The Weeknd persona in favor of performing under his real name, Abel Tesfaye. “I’m going through a cathartic path right now,” he said. “It’s getting to a place and a time where I’m getting ready to close the Weeknd chapter. I’ll still make music, maybe as Abel, maybe as The Weeknd. But I still want to kill The Weeknd. And I will. Eventually. I’m definitely trying to shed that skin and be reborn.”
Over the weekend — you know, the one on the calendar — he took steps to further that plan on social media. Fans on Twitter noticed that he’d adjusted his handle on the platform; while he can still be found at @TheWeeknd (for now), the name above that reads Abel Tesfaye.
The change is just in time for Abel’s television acting debut in The Idol, which premieres on HBO in just a few weeks. The show has proven to be controversial for behind-the-scenes reports of production difficulties and sexualized, violent content, but Tesfaye hopes to silence his critics when it releases. It’ll also feature brand-new music from the evolving artist, who says that his next album as The Weeknd will be his last.
Last week, macabre singer The Weeknd announced his intention to “kill” The Weeknd persona in favor of performing under his real name, Abel Tesfaye. “I’m going through a cathartic path right now,” he said. “It’s getting to a place and a time where I’m getting ready to close the Weeknd chapter. I’ll still make music, maybe as Abel, maybe as The Weeknd. But I still want to kill The Weeknd. And I will. Eventually. I’m definitely trying to shed that skin and be reborn.”
Over the weekend — you know, the one on the calendar — he took steps to further that plan on social media. Fans on Twitter noticed that he’d adjusted his handle on the platform; while he can still be found at @TheWeeknd (for now), the name above that reads Abel Tesfaye.
The change is just in time for Abel’s television acting debut in The Idol, which premieres on HBO in just a few weeks. The show has proven to be controversial for behind-the-scenes reports of production difficulties and sexualized, violent content, but Tesfaye hopes to silence his critics when it releases. It’ll also feature brand-new music from the evolving artist, who says that his next album as The Weeknd will be his last.
The Succession Report Card is a weekly recap feature where we attempt to assign grades to the important people, things, and themes from each episode of Succession. The grades are entirely subjective and the criteria for scoring will change from week to week and occasionally mid-week. Someone might get detention. It’ll probably be Roman.
SEASON 4, EPISODE 8 – “America Decides”
UPROXX
Roman
HBO
I am not a violent person but I spent most of this episode hoping someone would punch Roman in the face. Which was weird, kind of, after a season where he has been the most human and sympathetic of the Roy children. I know, I know. This is not a high bar to clear. A baby could crawl over it. We have discussed this before. But still, just an infuriating and disappointing performance on election night from this guy. Let’s recap:
Did everything in his power to swing the election to a potential fascist who might make life awful for many people around the world but also, specifically, his niece and nephew
Did that first thing for no real ideological reason, or any reason at all beyond “the fascist promised to blow up the deal his daddy negotiated to sell the company and he has no sense of value and no clue who he is if he’s not The Son Of Logan Roy and he might actually have to figure those things out if he can’t sit in Logan’s office and crash toy trains together”
Was the worst brat you’ve ever seen about all of it, whining and bullying and shouting people down to get his way like an 8-year-old who is tired and hungry and not processing either of those things very well at all
I… I hate him. I really do. We had been making such progress. The truth here is that Logan’s death mangled him in ways we — and he — haven’t fully sorted through, and under many circumstances, I would feel bad for him that his entire personality is basically a big box filled with broken children’s toys, but it’s a little hard to give the benefit of the doubt to a billionaire who just stomped on the levers of democracy to swing an election to a dude like Mencken. Roman and I both have a lot of soul-searching to do right now.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: Knocking it off. Most of it. Almost all of it, really.
Shiv
HBO
I feel like I say this every week butsometimes I forget that Shiv is just as incompetent as her brothers. I’ll watch Kendall and Roman bumble around and trip over their own shoelaces and fall into piles of mud with a loud “splooop” and I’ll find myself thinking “these two bozos are no match for Shiv if she ever comes gunning for them.” I don’t know why I think this. I think some of it is related to posture. Shiv has confident shoulders. At least compared to her spineless brothers. Maybe that’s it.
But then you look up and she’s losing arguments with both of them and watching her secret maneuvering with Matsson blow up in her face because her family got a fascist elected and having her “fake the phone call with the political operative she almost blew up her marriage over before it actually blew up for other reasons but not before she got pregnant with a fetus she keeps feeding champagne” ruse blown up in a way that also blew up the aforementioned maneuvering because freaking GREG of all people had discovered it while out doing cocaine with a Swedish billionaire and you’ll be like “oh right, Shiv is a chump, too.”
Fun family.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: It cannot be stated strongly enough that Shiv’s big plan was thwarted by KENDALL AND GREG, possibly the two people on television least likely to thwart anyone in any situation
Kendall
HBO
Hmm. Let’s see…
Spent all night so crippled with indecision about everything that he let himself get bullied by Roman, the most bullied boy alive
Did everything he could to get a creep elected based solely on the fact that the creep promised to let him keep his daddy’s company, even though said creep supports and loudly advocates policies that would make life difficult at best and dangerous at worst for the daughter he swears he is trying to protect
Still, despite the first two things here, appears to be trying to wrangle power for himself in a situation he is not suited to handle and does not seem to enjoy, even when things are kind of okay, which they super are not
The thing about Kendall, as opposed to Roman, is that I think he realizes he’s screwing up and is in over his head with everything that is happening right now. I just don’t think he has the first idea how to control or fix any of it despite deeply — desperately — wanting to be the type of person who has things under control and fixes things when they are not. It would be sad if it weren’t so pathetic and it would be pathetic if he didn’t wield so much power.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: Reasonable arguments can be made that the world would be a better place if he woke up at noon every day and played video games until bedtime
Tom
HBO
Tom is:
In charge of a news organization that just made a very questionable call during an election that made a creepy racist authoritarian one of the most powerful people in the world
Accusing the mother of his unborn child of maybe faking the very real pregnancy to use as a negotiating ploy and/or emotional guerilla warfare
About to get yelled at by a lot of very powerful people who have his phone number
On cocaine while all of this is happening
It’s not great. And, on top of all that, the touchscreens are breaking during the election coverage. I have yet to figure out why Tom wants any of this. He could just stop. I feel like someone should tell him that.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: I mean, look, if someone tells you they’re carrying your child, even if that person and you have a complicated relationship based on years of financial and emotional manipulation, maybe don’t jump straight to “I think you are lying” and “you killed your father”
Connor
HBO
Spent $100 million on a presidential run that had zero chance of success and all he has to show for it is a handshake deal for an ambassadorship in a small/smallish country somewhere in Eastern Europe. Probably not how he saw this all playing out when he bought all the balloons and streamers to kick it all off.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: If you’re gonna get left with a second- or third-tier ambassadorship, at least try to finagle your way into a country with a nice beach or some ski slopes
Shiv and Tom’s unborn child
HBO
Take maybe five or ten minutes this week and think about all the ways this poor sucker is hopelessly screwed. Yes, he or she will be rich in ways most of us cannot fathom. Yes, everything he or she wants will be available with one word or ring of a bell. Yes, every door in the world will be flung open and held by some servant to provide him or her access to any room he or she wants to walk into.
But.
This baby’s parents will be Shiv Roy and Tom Wambsgans.
This child is doomed.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: I suppose it’s not really reasonable to expect a fetus to figure out how to get itself adopted by a nice couple who lives in… oh, let’s say Portland, but it sure would help
Darwin the Numbers Guy
HBO
Got bullied and overruled into calling Wisconsin for Mencken even though a lot of ballots were ruined in a fire that was probably started by Mencken’s goons and/or supporters. Negotiated it to be a “pending call” that he could explain on the air then watched as things spiraled out of control so fast that the whole national election got called before he could do any of that. Spent the whole episode looking sad and worried, about everything from his personal reputation to the state of the country to the sanctity of the very numbers he holds dear. I feel like, somewhere off-camera, maybe between episodes, a stranger is going to find him shuffling around in a raincoat on a cloudless day mumbling about absentee ballots to a duck named Archibald that no one else can see.
It’s really funny that his name is Darwin.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: Choice of career
Various Karls, Franks, and Karolinas
HBO
Funny to think about the progression here: Kendall and Roman decide they want to keep running Waystar because they don’t know what else to do —> they try to tank the deal with Matsson —> they do this by getting a supergoon elected president —> Karl isn’t going to get his beloved golden parachute —> Karolina is going to have to explain everything ATN did to the press —> Frank will probably have to keep working there for these two dummies
I could have put any number of more important characters in the top image of this report card, but I stuck with Karl — who was barely in the episode at all — because I could not stop thinking about how sad all of this would make him.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: I think I would have enjoyed a shot of Karl whipping a glass of scotch at a television screen, if only to have as a GIF I could use going forward
Democracy, generally
HBO
Once again, just to be clear: Two idiot failsons manipulated the entire election process to make a fascist creep president solely because they did not want to sell their dad’s company to a weirdo European billionaire. That’s… it doesn’t feel great. I don’t love it. Let’s not talk about it anymore!
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
UPROXX
Getting wasabi in your eyes
HBO
Two things are true here.
The first is that, sometimes, when the situation calls for it, the grades in this report card are distributed on a curve.
The second is that… I mean, it says a lot about everyone who got an F that “getting wasabi in your eyes” is getting a D, you know?
GRADE: D
MUST IMPROVE: AHHH IT BURNS AHHHH NO WHY AHHHHHHHHH
UPROXX
Matsson
HBO
Good news and bad news for this guy…
GOOD: If Mencken follows through and blocks the deal, Matsson can escape this snake pit and never deal with these wishy-washy demons ever again, which is all I want for most of the secondary characters on this show, especially Karl. Also, those funky numbers for GoJo’s subscribers look like they’re gonna get dumped out the day after the United States elected some sort of crazy wingnut, so they’ll get bumped off of the front page and maybe just slide by unnoticed completely.
BAD: Still a weird dude who does Nazi-adjacent tweets.
GRADE: C-
MUST IMPROVE: I think he should grow a little handlebar mustache, just to see how it works on his face
Cousin Greg
HBO
Greg is:
Massively hungover from a night of partying with Matsson and his team, which involved a lot of cocaine and drinks that were not drinks, whatever exactly that means
On cocaine again
Somehow in charge of security on the newsroom floor, which is just a hilarious thing, in general
Pouring lemon La Croix into people’s eyeballs
Wielding secret information like fine wine and deploying it to hose Shiv, like a real big boy cutthroat businessman
It is still my position that the funniest thing that could happen in these last few episodes is all the Roy children shooting themselves in the foot and freaking Cousin Greg being the last person standing.
GRADE: C
MUST IMPROVE: Getting addicted to drugs
UPROXX
Willa
HBO
It’s fun to watch Willa’s face whenever Roman is talking, especially after the thing last week where he yelled at her a little bit. None of this is what Willa pictured when she started dating Connor. She expected swimming pools and galas, not diplomatic responsibilities in Eastern Europe. She does seem to be making the best of it, though. I don’t know. I like Willa.
GRADE: B
MUST IMPROVE: Marrying up
Jess Jordan
HBO
Jess Jordan barely appeared in this episode. Her biggest contribution was the thing at the end where she just, like, stared at Greg with confused horror when he told her that he — Cousin Greg, a human Gumby with a knack for attaching himself to anyone with a reasonable amount of power, a man who was about 35 percent cocaine at this point — was responsible for delivering the news about the election being called for Mencken to the newsroom floor. Jess Jordan spoke for all of us in that moment.
I hope she writes a book.
GRADE: B+
MUST IMPROVE: I’m tempted to say “poker face” here because she has none and you can see the panic in her eyes whenever something bad is happening, but I actually like that about her so… forget I mentioned it.
UPROXX
Gerri
HBO
Did not have to deal with any of this on account of Roman kind of impulse-firing her the other week, which will probably result in her receiving a massive check with many commas in it. Gerri did great this week. I like to imagine she spent the whole day in a private villa in Aruba getting massages and sipping rum drinks. Good for her.
The Succession Report Card is a weekly recap feature where we attempt to assign grades to the important people, things, and themes from each episode of Succession. The grades are entirely subjective and the criteria for scoring will change from week to week and occasionally mid-week. Someone might get detention. It’ll probably be Roman.
SEASON 4, EPISODE 8 – “America Decides”
UPROXX
Roman
HBO
I am not a violent person but I spent most of this episode hoping someone would punch Roman in the face. Which was weird, kind of, after a season where he has been the most human and sympathetic of the Roy children. I know, I know. This is not a high bar to clear. A baby could crawl over it. We have discussed this before. But still, just an infuriating and disappointing performance on election night from this guy. Let’s recap:
Did everything in his power to swing the election to a potential fascist who might make life awful for many people around the world but also, specifically, his niece and nephew
Did that first thing for no real ideological reason, or any reason at all beyond “the fascist promised to blow up the deal his daddy negotiated to sell the company and he has no sense of value and no clue who he is if he’s not The Son Of Logan Roy and he might actually have to figure those things out if he can’t sit in Logan’s office and crash toy trains together”
Was the worst brat you’ve ever seen about all of it, whining and bullying and shouting people down to get his way like an 8-year-old who is tired and hungry and not processing either of those things very well at all
I… I hate him. I really do. We had been making such progress. The truth here is that Logan’s death mangled him in ways we — and he — haven’t fully sorted through, and under many circumstances, I would feel bad for him that his entire personality is basically a big box filled with broken children’s toys, but it’s a little hard to give the benefit of the doubt to a billionaire who just stomped on the levers of democracy to swing an election to a dude like Mencken. Roman and I both have a lot of soul-searching to do right now.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: Knocking it off. Most of it. Almost all of it, really.
Shiv
HBO
I feel like I say this every week butsometimes I forget that Shiv is just as incompetent as her brothers. I’ll watch Kendall and Roman bumble around and trip over their own shoelaces and fall into piles of mud with a loud “splooop” and I’ll find myself thinking “these two bozos are no match for Shiv if she ever comes gunning for them.” I don’t know why I think this. I think some of it is related to posture. Shiv has confident shoulders. At least compared to her spineless brothers. Maybe that’s it.
But then you look up and she’s losing arguments with both of them and watching her secret maneuvering with Matsson blow up in her face because her family got a fascist elected and having her “fake the phone call with the political operative she almost blew up her marriage over before it actually blew up for other reasons but not before she got pregnant with a fetus she keeps feeding champagne” ruse blown up in a way that also blew up the aforementioned maneuvering because freaking GREG of all people had discovered it while out doing cocaine with a Swedish billionaire and you’ll be like “oh right, Shiv is a chump, too.”
Fun family.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: It cannot be stated strongly enough that Shiv’s big plan was thwarted by KENDALL AND GREG, possibly the two people on television least likely to thwart anyone in any situation
Kendall
HBO
Hmm. Let’s see…
Spent all night so crippled with indecision about everything that he let himself get bullied by Roman, the most bullied boy alive
Did everything he could to get a creep elected based solely on the fact that the creep promised to let him keep his daddy’s company, even though said creep supports and loudly advocates policies that would make life difficult at best and dangerous at worst for the daughter he swears he is trying to protect
Still, despite the first two things here, appears to be trying to wrangle power for himself in a situation he is not suited to handle and does not seem to enjoy, even when things are kind of okay, which they super are not
The thing about Kendall, as opposed to Roman, is that I think he realizes he’s screwing up and is in over his head with everything that is happening right now. I just don’t think he has the first idea how to control or fix any of it despite deeply — desperately — wanting to be the type of person who has things under control and fixes things when they are not. It would be sad if it weren’t so pathetic and it would be pathetic if he didn’t wield so much power.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: Reasonable arguments can be made that the world would be a better place if he woke up at noon every day and played video games until bedtime
Tom
HBO
Tom is:
In charge of a news organization that just made a very questionable call during an election that made a creepy racist authoritarian one of the most powerful people in the world
Accusing the mother of his unborn child of maybe faking the very real pregnancy to use as a negotiating ploy and/or emotional guerilla warfare
About to get yelled at by a lot of very powerful people who have his phone number
On cocaine while all of this is happening
It’s not great. And, on top of all that, the touchscreens are breaking during the election coverage. I have yet to figure out why Tom wants any of this. He could just stop. I feel like someone should tell him that.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: I mean, look, if someone tells you they’re carrying your child, even if that person and you have a complicated relationship based on years of financial and emotional manipulation, maybe don’t jump straight to “I think you are lying” and “you killed your father”
Connor
HBO
Spent $100 million on a presidential run that had zero chance of success and all he has to show for it is a handshake deal for an ambassadorship in a small/smallish country somewhere in Eastern Europe. Probably not how he saw this all playing out when he bought all the balloons and streamers to kick it all off.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: If you’re gonna get left with a second- or third-tier ambassadorship, at least try to finagle your way into a country with a nice beach or some ski slopes
Shiv and Tom’s unborn child
HBO
Take maybe five or ten minutes this week and think about all the ways this poor sucker is hopelessly screwed. Yes, he or she will be rich in ways most of us cannot fathom. Yes, everything he or she wants will be available with one word or ring of a bell. Yes, every door in the world will be flung open and held by some servant to provide him or her access to any room he or she wants to walk into.
But.
This baby’s parents will be Shiv Roy and Tom Wambsgans.
This child is doomed.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: I suppose it’s not really reasonable to expect a fetus to figure out how to get itself adopted by a nice couple who lives in… oh, let’s say Portland, but it sure would help
Darwin the Numbers Guy
HBO
Got bullied and overruled into calling Wisconsin for Mencken even though a lot of ballots were ruined in a fire that was probably started by Mencken’s goons and/or supporters. Negotiated it to be a “pending call” that he could explain on the air then watched as things spiraled out of control so fast that the whole national election got called before he could do any of that. Spent the whole episode looking sad and worried, about everything from his personal reputation to the state of the country to the sanctity of the very numbers he holds dear. I feel like, somewhere off-camera, maybe between episodes, a stranger is going to find him shuffling around in a raincoat on a cloudless day mumbling about absentee ballots to a duck named Archibald that no one else can see.
It’s really funny that his name is Darwin.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: Choice of career
Various Karls, Franks, and Karolinas
HBO
Funny to think about the progression here: Kendall and Roman decide they want to keep running Waystar because they don’t know what else to do —> they try to tank the deal with Matsson —> they do this by getting a supergoon elected president —> Karl isn’t going to get his beloved golden parachute —> Karolina is going to have to explain everything ATN did to the press —> Frank will probably have to keep working there for these two dummies
I could have put any number of more important characters in the top image of this report card, but I stuck with Karl — who was barely in the episode at all — because I could not stop thinking about how sad all of this would make him.
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: I think I would have enjoyed a shot of Karl whipping a glass of scotch at a television screen, if only to have as a GIF I could use going forward
Democracy, generally
HBO
Once again, just to be clear: Two idiot failsons manipulated the entire election process to make a fascist creep president solely because they did not want to sell their dad’s company to a weirdo European billionaire. That’s… it doesn’t feel great. I don’t love it. Let’s not talk about it anymore!
GRADE: F
MUST IMPROVE: I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
UPROXX
Getting wasabi in your eyes
HBO
Two things are true here.
The first is that, sometimes, when the situation calls for it, the grades in this report card are distributed on a curve.
The second is that… I mean, it says a lot about everyone who got an F that “getting wasabi in your eyes” is getting a D, you know?
GRADE: D
MUST IMPROVE: AHHH IT BURNS AHHHH NO WHY AHHHHHHHHH
UPROXX
Matsson
HBO
Good news and bad news for this guy…
GOOD: If Mencken follows through and blocks the deal, Matsson can escape this snake pit and never deal with these wishy-washy demons ever again, which is all I want for most of the secondary characters on this show, especially Karl. Also, those funky numbers for GoJo’s subscribers look like they’re gonna get dumped out the day after the United States elected some sort of crazy wingnut, so they’ll get bumped off of the front page and maybe just slide by unnoticed completely.
BAD: Still a weird dude who does Nazi-adjacent tweets.
GRADE: C-
MUST IMPROVE: I think he should grow a little handlebar mustache, just to see how it works on his face
Cousin Greg
HBO
Greg is:
Massively hungover from a night of partying with Matsson and his team, which involved a lot of cocaine and drinks that were not drinks, whatever exactly that means
On cocaine again
Somehow in charge of security on the newsroom floor, which is just a hilarious thing, in general
Pouring lemon La Croix into people’s eyeballs
Wielding secret information like fine wine and deploying it to hose Shiv, like a real big boy cutthroat businessman
It is still my position that the funniest thing that could happen in these last few episodes is all the Roy children shooting themselves in the foot and freaking Cousin Greg being the last person standing.
GRADE: C
MUST IMPROVE: Getting addicted to drugs
UPROXX
Willa
HBO
It’s fun to watch Willa’s face whenever Roman is talking, especially after the thing last week where he yelled at her a little bit. None of this is what Willa pictured when she started dating Connor. She expected swimming pools and galas, not diplomatic responsibilities in Eastern Europe. She does seem to be making the best of it, though. I don’t know. I like Willa.
GRADE: B
MUST IMPROVE: Marrying up
Jess Jordan
HBO
Jess Jordan barely appeared in this episode. Her biggest contribution was the thing at the end where she just, like, stared at Greg with confused horror when he told her that he — Cousin Greg, a human Gumby with a knack for attaching himself to anyone with a reasonable amount of power, a man who was about 35 percent cocaine at this point — was responsible for delivering the news about the election being called for Mencken to the newsroom floor. Jess Jordan spoke for all of us in that moment.
I hope she writes a book.
GRADE: B+
MUST IMPROVE: I’m tempted to say “poker face” here because she has none and you can see the panic in her eyes whenever something bad is happening, but I actually like that about her so… forget I mentioned it.
UPROXX
Gerri
HBO
Did not have to deal with any of this on account of Roman kind of impulse-firing her the other week, which will probably result in her receiving a massive check with many commas in it. Gerri did great this week. I like to imagine she spent the whole day in a private villa in Aruba getting massages and sipping rum drinks. Good for her.
GRADE: A
MUST IMPROVE: No notes here
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| yj & succession era (@lionesspike) May 15, 2023
⁷ (@nothnghppens) May 15, 2023
