As far as anyone knows, Harry Styles is single. The “As It Was” singer was seen smooching Emily Ratajkowski in Tokyo, but they’re not “together” together. (I’m still pulling for her and Eric Andre.) Harry is a busy guy and all, but if he’s ready to settle down, Julie Bowen is waiting.
The Modern Family actress appeared on The Jennifer Hudson Show this week to discuss her affinity for Styles and the sign she made for him when she saw him live with her kids. What did the sign read? “Harry, I’m old, but I know what I’m doing.” Bowen explained, “I think, like, he could do worse than me! I mean I’m not the youngest, but I think I could show him a good time.”
“Everybody should have a crush on Harry Styles,” she said. “Come on.” Bowen went on to say she checks her direct messages “nightly” to see if he has “slid into” her DMs yet. “Harry, if you’d like to slide into my DMs, just do it. It’s right there,” she said. But she later admitted, “No, I don’t think he knows I exist.”
I’m positive Styles has seen at least one episode of Modern Family, and therefore knows who Bowen is, because everyone has seen at least one episode of Modern Family. It’s a classic “background” TV show. But — and this is very important — has he seen Happy Gilmore? I’m leaning towards no.
Styles was two years old when the golf comedy came out, and considering he’s been famous since he was a teenager, he hasn’t had a lot to downtime to watch old Adam Sandler movies. (It hurts to call Happy Gilmore “old,” because it means I’m old, but I have to be honest with my old-ass self.)
If Styles want an education on Sandler’s filmography, forget Julie Bowen. Slide into my DMs (where we can discuss You Don’t Mess with the Zohan).
There was a time, if you can believe it, when Staten Island’s own Pete Davidson was just a background character on Saturday Night Live. Now, the comedian has gone where no other recent SNL alum has gone before…to talk smack on a podcast while wearing a beanie.
To be fair, Davidson has been through a fair share of scrutiny throughout his final years on SNL. It all began when Davidson embarked on a whirlwind engagement with Ariana Grande back in 2018. Since then, he was linked to Kim Kardashian, EmRata, and even…Ice Spice? Turned out that one was false, though. But not far-fetched!
So why is everyone so interested in Davidson’s love life? He sure as heck doesn’t know! Davidson sat down with Jon Bernthal to have an honest discussion about stardom in the internet age, and how the media circus around Davidson’s love life confuses him. “I’m in my 20’s and I’ve dated people. And for some reason, that’s very crazy and interesting to people. I don’t think it’s interesting,” he began. He then added that it has been hard for him to be taken seriously due to his obsession with his personal life.
Davidson continued, saying that he is just a regular guy who meets his many potential suitors at his place of work. “I’m not, like, flexing, you know what I mean? And these people that I’ve dated, I met them at work. I wasn’t in anyone’s DMs, no one was in mine. I worked at one of the five Hollywood epicenters of where you meet people and that’s how it happened,” he explained. This is true, mostly because it’s hard to imagine any sort of instance where Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson would have actually met besides when she hosted SNL. What if they had a chance encounter at Whole Foods?!
Despite the increase in interest, Davidson still believes that he is acting and dating a regular amount, and anyone who cares this much is the real weirdo. “I’ve been in show business for, like, half my life almost — for 14 or 15 years and on a national TV show. In 12 years I’ve dated 10 people. I don’t think that’s that crazy, but to some people, that’s very interesting. That became all anyone would talk about.” Surely it’s not all we all talk about. But hey, it’s either this or Gwyneth Paltrow’s ski trial, so leave it up to the readers!
The comedian then admitted that he felt like a “loser” when his dating life was brought up on SNL. “When it’s your own show, and I’ll be sitting in the back watching the cold open and [it’s] topical political humor or whatever in the culture, and they’re making fun of you and you gotta walk out and do a sketch next and hit your mark — the show just made fun of you, so why are they going to laugh at you? They just dogged you,” he explained. “It was a really difficult thing to do. You feel insecure. You feel like a small person,” he added. He left the series in 2022 after almost eight years.
While the comedian is still making headlines, he has been trying to keep it pretty low-key since leaving SNL last year (after the Kardashian breakup). Now, he has his own show alongside Edie Falco, where there probably won’t be any romance rumors there. Unless Furio Guinta shows up.
Because he has been famous for several decades and is one of the most prominent professional athletes of all time, most of us have learned things about LeBron James that have nothing to do with his ability to be good at basketball. One of those things is that, despite his remarkable wealth from both his playing career and his myriad of business ventures, James is one of the cheapest people in the world. Here’s a clip of Dwyane Wade roasting him for that:
It is extremely funny that James does not push back against this in any way, shape, or form, going as far as to make up the phrase “falsely true” in an effort to confirm that Wade is right. And on Friday afternoon, James hopped onto his Twitter account and leaned into the bit, with the subject being his blue check on the website. James is one of numerous folks who is verified on the website and will lose his check on Saturday due to some changes Elon Musk is making in an effort to make the site profitable.
James could, of course, spend some cash on Twitter Blue to keep that check, but that would require forking over cash, and he isn’t into doing that.
Welp guess my blue will be gone soon cause if you know me I ain’t paying the 5.
The only thing that needs to be corrected is that Twitter Blue costs $8 a month, which, if James isn’t willing to spend $5, he sure as hell is not paying $8.
Anybody who thought the vinyl resurgence was just a fad was mistaken: The industry has experienced a legitimate revival. As a result, music fans are interested in physical media in ways they may not have if the decades-old medium hasn’t made a comeback. That doesn’t mean everybody is listening to just their parents’ old music, though. That’s part of it, sure, thanks to rereleases that present classic albums in new ways. A vital part of the renewed vinyl wave, though, is new projects being released as records, of which there are plenty.
Whatever you might be into, each month brings a new slew of vinyl releases that has something for everybody. Some stand out above the rest, naturally, so check out some of our favorite vinyl releases of March below.
Elton John — Honky Château (50th Anniversary Reissue)
UMe
1972’s Honky Château is an iconic Elton John release (it’s the one with “Rocket Man“). It turns 50 this year and it’s getting an anniversary edition to celebrate. This reissue features outtakes from the original session tapes and “an eight-page booklet containing rare photos, memorabilia and an essay featuring interviews from those who were there at the time.”
Tom Waits — Closing Time (50th Anniversary Reissue)
ANTI-
Closing Time, while not a major commercial hit back in its day, has gone on to be one of Tom Waits’ most beloved albums. Well, it turns 50 this year, and now it’s available in both black and clear pressings, and was given a half-speed remaster at the iconic Abbey Road Studios.
Miles Davis had a long, productive career, but perhaps his most beloved run was from the late ’60s to the mid-’70s. Vinyl Me, Please is commemorating that era with The Electric Years, which includes seven iconic Davis albums: In A Silent Way (1969), B*tches Brew (1970), A Tribute To Jack Johnson (1971), Live-Evil (1971), On The Corner (1972), Big Fun (1974), and Get Up With It (1974). Aside from the albums themselves, also included are listening notes and even an original podcast.
MF Doom’s Metalface Records is celebrating the 30th anniversary of KMD’s sophomore album, Black Bastards. For those unfamiliar, KMD was a hip-hop trio that featured Zev Love X, who would later go on to achieve greater recognition as… yes, MF Doom. So, this reissue is an absolute must-have for Doom stans.
Of her now-decade-old album (the first one that Aaron Dessner ever produced), Sharon Van Etten said in a statement, “About a year or two ago, Naomi Yang (of Galaxie 500) reached out to me after she rediscovered a video that we had made together in 2011, during the making of Tramp, just before the album’s release. It was for the song ‘Serpents.’ The timing was uncanny, approaching the anniversary of Tramp. Thinking about my time in New York while in the bubble of Los Angeles and my home. Thinking about how restless I was, and now settled down and stable. Thinking about how Aaron Dessner took a chance on me after I messaged him with a fury of demos. He could see through the hiss and crappy vocals on my GarageBand demos, and that I had something to say. He gave me the confidence to be loud and to scream my rage and feel founded and justified in my own pain. He gave me more tools to find catharsis in my work. I have carried that with me ever since.”
Bob Marley would have turned 78 this past February and his estate is going big with marking the occasion. A bunch of his albums have been re-released as part of limited-edition pressings straight out of Jamaica, via Marley’s own Tuff Gong label. If you only get one album, you can’t go wrong with the Legend compilation, which is widely regarded as one of the best albums ever.
Flaming Lips — Fight Test and Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell
Warner Bros.
Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots is an all-time classic, but don’t forget the two EPs Flaming Lips dropped at around the same time, too: Fight Test and Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell. The band is reissuing those now and this is the first time they’re both available on vinyl, meaning fans are finally able to fill a Wayne Coyne hole in their LP library.
The Police have a ton of hits, so picking up a compilation album from the group is a safe bet. Greatest Hits was originally released in 1992 and features iconic tracks like “Roxanne,” “Message In A Bottle,” “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic,” and “Every Breath You Take.” This reissue was remastered at Abbey Road and is pressed on heavyweight black vinyl.
Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello — The Songs Of Bacharach & Costello
UMe
We’re now about two months removed from the death of vintage pop icon Burt Bacharach. During his storied career, he counted Elvis Costello among his frequent collaborators, and now, The Songs Of Bacharach & Costello celebrates the three-decade professional relationship they enjoyed. This edition includes remastered tracks, previously unreleased songs, and a moving 10,000-word essay from Costello on his late friend.
Pink Floyd — The Dark Side Of The Moon (Deluxe Box Set)
Warner Music
It could be argued that The Dark Side Of The Moon is the most famous/successful album ever; It’s been on the Billboard charts for nearly 20 total years now. Dark Side turns 50 this year and a massive new anniversary edition comes with goodies like a book, CD and Blu-ray editions, and an LP of The Dark Side Of The Moon – Live At Wembley Empire Pool, London, 1974.
(Yellowjackets spoilers will be found below, obviously.)
Well, it took over a season to get there, but Yellowjackets ladies went full-on cannibal (this season doubles down on darkness) in this week’s episode, aptly titled as “Edible Complex.” This was coming, obviously. We knew from the very beginning of the show that hunger would fully set in, and someone would be eaten, and after Jackie’s ear (as recapped by Jessica Toomer) became Shauna’s pregnancy-craving snack last week, this shouldn’t be too surprising. Yet the manner in which this buffet happened still managed to shake viewers.
Why? For one thing, the scene was set to a Radiohead song (which our own Phil Cosores has discussed in depth, and Wongo Okon also detailed the music of this week’s episode). For another, the ladies only hesitated for a few minutes when they walked out to Jackie’s funeral pyre, and there she was, slow roasted for them. Shauna declared that either her unborn child or Jackie would want them to eat her (“[s]he wants us to”), and it. was. on.
A full-on feast (interspersed with a more ethereal fantasy banquet) went down, and the survivors tore Jackie’s corpse to pieces while poor Coach Ben acted as the audience POV, possibly while worrying that he’s next (although we do know that he survives). He couldn’t resist another peek, and neither could viewers.
It was a lot to witness, and this brings the full gravity of Shauna’s adult personality and relationships into a more terrifying place. I know people are afraid of cult-leader Lottie these days, but man, Shauna and Jeff are not to be overlooked. Naturally as well, viewers took to social media while reacting to the shock of seeing cannibalism actually materialize on the “cannibal show.”
— Skylar | Yellowjackets spoilers (@Enmxzan) March 31, 2023
Yellowjackets is literally one of the best shows on tv like tv shows now a days suck but this is the one exception because IK THEY NOT EATING JACKIE TO A RADIOHEAD SONG GIRLLLLL IM SCARED
— Karl |watched Scream VI4x (@psychofinalgirl) March 31, 2023
jackie joined the team and the yellowjackets were like, oh pretty girl, let’s eat her
This year marks half a decade since the multiplatinum-selling girl group Fifth Harmony announced their hiatus. Nonetheless, Lauren Jauregui, one of the five young women that helped carry the group to several top 10 albums and platinum singles, is looking forward. Prior to her formal debut solo single, Jauregui collaborated with the likes of Steve Aoki (“All Night”) and Halsey (“Strangers”), the latter of which became her first Billboard Hot 100 entry as a soloist. “Expectations,” her 2018 official launch, showcased Jauregui’s soulful rasp and formidable vocal ability. Drawing comparisons to Amy Winehouse, “Expectations” marked a pivotal moment for Jauregui and her solo career.
An EP titled Prelude, Jauregui’s first body of work as a soloist, followed in 2021. The moody, introspective project featured collaborations with Vic Mensa (“Scattered”) and 6LACK (“On Guard”) — darker complements to lighter tracks in her burgeoning solo discography like “Lento,” her reggaeton collaboration Tainy which scored remixes from Rauw Alejandro and Pabllo Vittar alike. Last year, Jauregui released the standalone single “Always Love,” and her newest single, the somber and self-reflective “Trust Issues,” picks up where that song and live performance music video left off. Featuring production credits from Malay, “Trust Issues” finds Jauregui returning to the stripped-back nature of “Expectations” and tracking the evolution of her emotional maturity over the past few years.
To coincide with the release of “Trust Issues,” Lauren Jauregui Zoomed in for quick chat with Uproxx about her plans for 2023, the writing process for “Trust Issues,” and how her time in the industry since her Fifth Harmony days have impacted her current outlook on her life and career.
Where was your head at when the idea for “Trust Issues” first came to you?
I was actually in Bali when I wrote it, and I was on this ten-day writing camp situation that I went to right after a breakup. I think that “Trust Issues” was just me thinking about the next chapter of my life. I had worked up a lot of personal trust issues over the course of a lot of different relationship dynamics, some self-inflicted, some just residually left over from past heartache, or things that had happened to me in my life. So, I was just assessing where I was at and thinking about how if I were to get into another relationship, I’d have to just be cautious and mindful because I wasn’t all the way healed yet. All of my songs are pretty introspective and just figuring out how I’m feeling about things. I feel like “Trust Issues” is definitely one of those where I’m just like, “Listen, I’m not ready for a relationship at that point in my life. I know we all got trust issues, but it wouldn’t really be fair to you to get into anything right now.”
The song’s outro is such a surprise. What was the writing process for “Trust Issues?” How was this song constructed?
I wrote it with PJ. The producer is Malay, and, well, JP was also a part of it, too, when we were over there in Bali. [The outro] makes you jolt a little bit, and you’re like, “Wait a minute. Is this the end of the song? Is it the bridge?” And then it ends very abruptly, which I feel makes people want to replay it because they get to the point where they’re like, “Wait, is that it?” When I got back to the States, Malay really put his hands on it and added the strings. I think PJ and I were just on the same page when we were writing. The relatable issue is that everybody’s got trust issues, I think, and that just came out.
There’s a lyric in which you sing, “Fighting feeling helpless. Oh, darling, I knew this would come.” Those feelings of helplessness and inevitability really drive “Trust Issues.” Where did you pull those emotions from?
I think it’s self-sabotaging as well… where you already put a precedent on how something is going to play out, which is a part of having trust issues because you have these remnants of a past situation in your mind. Then, you project that onto the situation that you’re in currently. Sometimes when you’re unhealed, it’s that kind of, “Oh, I knew this would happen” thing, where it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You didn’t really give this person a chance because you weren’t really ready to dive into something.
Sounds like taking accountability for your own actions is a recurring theme here.
I tend to do that all the time in my lyrics. I’m very self-reflective and I like to give that perspective because for me, the process of writing is very much coupled with my healing process and learning from my own mistakes. A huge part of growing is self-awareness. I think a lot of mainstream music, or a lot of music in general, lacks self-awareness because most people are just exploring their feelings in the moment. While I do that too, I always try to take accountability. That’s something that I really love about myself; I’m able to see myself clearly, like when I’m the one fucking up or when I have this pattern that I’m repeating or whatever. I tend to be very harsh on myself for being aware and not doing better. But that’s also part of the process, becoming aware of your shadow and being able to incorporate it into the new self that you’re creating.
“Trust Issues” is a gorgeous vocal showcase. Who are your influences when it comes to vocal performance and interpretation?
I have so many people who inspire me. I grew up with a lot of Christina Aguilera and Beyoncé, like, heavily influenced by them. Beyoncé in her articulation of things and her use of backgrounds. Also, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Céline Dion. I used to sing the shit out of all their songs growing up. Of course, Amy Winehouse.
The music video for “Trust Issues” is basically just you writing and recording the song. It’s simple and very effective, what spurred you to make that choice?
I was really inspired by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men’s “One Sweet Day” video. I had this idea of the last thing that you all got from me was the live performance of “Always Love,” which is very glammed up, very diva energy. In the beginning of the [“Trust Issues”] video, you see me come out of that reality and into my reality, which is just me stripped down in the studio writing a song. And so, I just like that juxtaposition and that vulnerability and that rawness to convey the energy of “Trust Issues.”
How has the pandemic — and life in general since — impacted your healing process, and by extension, your writing process?
I feel like my process for this upcoming album is definitely going to get the gist of what I’ve been going through for the past three years, for sure. I’ve just been living life and experiencing things, and I feel like I have a lot better grip on who I am as a person. In turn, I feel like that’s going to reflect in the music when the process begins. I’ve made stuff sporadically here and there and I’m still in my introspective bag. I think I’m always going to be in that, but I’m getting to tour and being able to perform for people. I’ve also been ignited with a want to create more things that people can vibe to and just move to and be able to get lost in as well. So, I think there’s going to be more of that incorporated amongst the thoughtful stuff in my album.
You’ve dabbled in everything from pop and R&B to reggaeton and alternative. What sounds can we expect to hear from you next?
I do a lot of shit [laughs]! Definitely still sticking to my pop and R&B roots. There’s always a soulful element to everything that I create. Being that I’m a singer-songwriter, a lot of the stuff just comes from my heart. So, there’s a wide range of “genre” that I tap into depending on how I’m feeling. There’s also a lot more rhythmic energy, there’s a lot more movement. They’re mid-tempo, they’re not crazy upbeat songs, but they do have a groove and they will have you moving.
I know your fans have been waiting with bated breath for your official debut album. Any word on what’s on the docket concerning an album and a tour?
I’m definitely going to be in the studio and I’m going to be writing. I only have that goal for the rest of this year: to work on this album. It could come to me in a month, it could come to me in six months. I have no idea what’s going to happen. I have ideas thematically for things that I want to explore, but I haven’t done anything concretely yet. It’s up in the air until I get my ass in the studio.
How have your past experiences in the industry, whether that be with Fifth Harmony or in your career after the group’s hiatus, impacted your approach to both music-making and being a businesswoman and pop star?
I’ve learned a lot about being a businesswoman and about this industry in general and how it works. I’ve had my failures and I’ve had my mistakes made. I was really young when I got into the industry. I didn’t really have a lot of mentors or people who guided me on how to move. So, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I feel like I’m so grounded right now, and I have such a great team around me who really sees me and is mentoring me and guiding me in ways that I trust and allow me to relax into my creativity. All I ever really wanted was to be able to create from an authentic place and that’s a lot more difficult than it should be, I think. But I feel like I’ve gotten to a point now that I’m independent and I have full creative control, and I’m able to really move in ways that align with my spirit, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Who in the contemporary pop culture sphere has been in inspiring you as a creative lately?
There are so many incredible people right now just making incredible music. I’m always very inspired by the R&B girls like SZA, Kehlani, Summer [Walker], Jhené [Aiko], those are the four that I have in rotation the most. I’m also very inspired by female rap. Right now, there’s so many incredible baddies doing incredible shit through their bars. I love writers. I love people who share their stories and who articulate their stories in a playful, colorful, interesting way.
If you could describe what 2023 holds for you and your fans in just three words, what would they be?
DJ Drama’sGangsta Grillz mixtape series may be “The most important mixtape series of all time,” in his opinion, but all eyes are on his seventh studio album, I’m Really Like That. With a guest list of star-studded guest features, the Jack Harlow-assisted track “Mockingbird Valley” is catching the ears of listeners.
As the rapper begins to heat up in the song’s first verse, DJ Drama injects in his typical fashion, but this time to give listeners a history lesson. “Do y’all remember when I told y’all I found this kid from Kentucky? And he was gonna be the one,” screams the Drama before adding, “Why would you ever doubt me?”
Harlow then gets right back into the Don Cannon-produced pocket. Across the song, Harlow name-drops some of his famous friends, including Cole Bennett, but he wants everyone to know that the bright lights haven’t changed him. Rapping,”Hollywood done turned me right into a multi-hyphenate / And still, I play it cool, I don’t get hype for sh*t / I’ma let you talk, but wait ’til I finish / Yeah, we gettin’ cake, but all the time we spent together’s what the icin’ is / [Don] Cannon put some life inside this beat, that’s why it’s loopin’ while I’m writin’ this
Y’alls whole personality self-righteousness, and I don’t like that sh*t,” Harlow tries to walk the thin line between humanity and arrogance.
Listen to the full song above.
I’m Really Like That is out now via Atlantic/Generation Now. Find more information here.
Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
A big part of the reason Tyler The Creator’s last album, Call Me If You Get Lost resonated so powerfully with rap fans a couple of years ago is that it does double duty as both an album and a worthy installment to DJ Drama’s longrunning Gangsta Grillz mixtape series. For much of the past two decades Gangsta Grillzserved as a launching pad and rite of passage for many of rap’s biggest names.
So, of course, when Tyler wanted to get back to rapping as a craftsman, he tapped the curatorial talents of DJ Drama — to great effect, I might add. And their creative chemistry continues on DJ Drama’s own new album, I’m Really Like That, which dropped today. In fact, the album opens with “Legendary,” a nostalgic review of Tyler’s breakout from internet sensation to Billboard fixture and two-time Grammy Award winner.
In addition to Tyler’s spirited intro, I’m Really Like That also features posthumous features from Nipsey Hussle and Trouble, appearances from Drama’s Generation Now artists Jack Harlow and Lil Uzi Vert, and a veritable who’s-who of both grizzled vets (Gucci Mane, Rick Ross) and rising stars (LaRussell, Symba).
Listen to DJ Drama’s “Legendary” featuring Tyler The Creator above.
I’m Really Like That is out now via Generation Now and Atlantic. Get more info here.
Some artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.
Earlier this week, House Republicans oddly decided to hold a hearing on Washington D.C.’s criminal code as the nation was still dealing with the Nashville school shooting. Ever the dutiful soldier, Lauren Boebert went to town berating D.C. Councilmember Charles Allen for decriminalizing public urination. She was extremely insistent on getting to the bottom of this very serious pee-related matter.
Here’s the thing: public urination was never decriminalized. It’s still a criminal offense in the current code, which Boebert should know because she voted against a revised code that was brought before Congress in the fall. The now-viral exchange baffled Late Night host Seth Meyers, who is used to Boebert not knowing what she’s talking about, but this was a whole new level.
“Are you not capable of doing a Google before appearing at committee hearings in Congress?” Meyers asked. “Or does Boebert think doing a Google is also slang for public urination?”
Still in disbelief, Meyers continued to hammer the jarringly uninformed Boebert. Via The Wrap:
“I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how dumb this is,” Meyers mocked. “She had to be corrected by the witness about a bill she voted on. There’s a good chance she doesn’t even know she’s in Washington, D.C. right now. She probably needs one of those mall maps that tells you where you are, except for the entire country.”
After wrapping up his astonishment, Meyers floated a theory at what’s really going on even though the very clear and obvious explanation is that Boebert just isn’t very smart.
“Here’s my theory,” Meyers said. “I think Lauren Boebert’s staff hates her and gave her bad information as a prank.”
The Late Night host then proceeded to float a scenario where Boebert’s staff get her to criticize a bill sponsored by “I.P. Mapantz.” It could happen.
The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.
ITEM NUMBER ONE – God bless everyone involved here
It is nice to have a silly little thing to focus on sometimes. It can be anything, really. Maybe a puzzle you’re doing or a recipe you’re tinkering with or maybe you’re trying out a new three-wood at the driving range. Or maybe, if you’re me and apparently everyone I follow on social media, it was the Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial that just wrapped up in Utah this week. Either way, it’s nice to have hobbies.
The short version of the proceedings go something like this: A retired optometrist — he is always identified as “a retired optometrist” in the press, which is fun — sued Gwyneth Paltrow for hundreds of thousands of dollar because, he claimed, she skied into him at an alarming rate of speed and caused him any number of life-altering maladies. She, in turn, claimed he was the aggressor in the ski collision and countersued him for one dollar. And this somehow went to trial. Do you understand how crazy this is? Cases like this never, ever get to trial. Lawyers get in a room and hammer out an agreement and a bunch of people write checks to each other and everyone goes home. The fact that this made it to a courtroom was already about an 8 out of 10 on the Nutso Meter. (Official legal term.)
But then the actual trial started and things just kept getting wilder and weirder. Paltrow’s attorney — presumably a high-powered lawyer from a firm that charges more per hour than you paid for your first car — opened things by waving around a dollar bill in court for some reason. The plaintiff’s lawyer got Paltrow on the stand and started peppering her with questions — UNDER OATH — about her friendship with Taylor Swift, which is a questionable legal strategy but a great way to dig for hot gossip under the threat of perjury. Gwyneth showed up almost every day wearing the most Defendant In A Ski Trial outfits you’ve ever seen. A huge chunk of the case hinged on, I swear to God, slope etiquette, which was full-on written up and explained by the New York Damn Times.
On Friday, Kristin VanOrman, one of Mr. Sanderson’s lawyers, focused questions for Ms. Paltrow on whether she understood ski slope etiquette and asked her to review her account of what happened. One of the key disputes of the trial has to do with which skier was downhill, and therefore had the right of way. Both Ms. Paltrow and Mr. Sanderson have claimed that they were the downhill skier.
And it gets better. So much better. Like, you probably looked at the parties here — two wealthy people suing each other over a winter sports mishap at a luxury resort — and assumed there would be some high-powered expert witnesses and maybe even CGI renderings of the fateful moment of impact. Real, like, “TNT Original Series Courtroom Drama” stuff. Well, nope. Not even a little. What we had instead were… stick figures. A lot of them. Look at this.
Perfect. Incredible. Just a hoot all around, made even more delightful by the fact that neither party in the case was… I don’t want to say “likable” because I’m sure they both have family and friends that care about them, but let’s just say that my heart wasn’t breaking for either of the fantastically wealthy and difficult people who took a ski trial to court in front of a judge and the world. Completely harmless and fun. The plaintiff’s lawyer tried some weird legal strategy that involved buttering Paltrow up before sneaking in the hammer, which was hilarious…
… and then his own expert witness kind of torpedoed his whole case. Gwyneth Paltrow ended up winning and getting her one dollar in damages after all of it. ONE DOLLAR. What a fantastic waste of the American judicial system. But it was worth it for the entertainment value, if nothing else. I wish it had gone on forever. I wish I had gotten on a plane and covered it in person. I could have filed little daily blogs from the court. (SKI TRIAL, DAY 7: We Are Talking About QAnon For Some Reason.) I might have gotten a book deal out of it. You might have seen me on, like, The View while I was out promoting it. I have regrets here.
But it does bring up something important: God, we need more celebrity trials. Fun ones, with all sorts of zany characters. Kooky lawyers, fed-up judges, wild expert witnesses. I don’t remember having this good of a time in a courtroom since the OJ Simpson trial way back in the early 1990s, which I wasn’t old enough to really even grasp. Hey, I wonder what OJ is up to these days. I wonder if he has opinions about this tr-…
Jesus Christ. Let’s go ahead and transcribe some of this to drive it all home.
“I was watching today, I saw the run that their accident happened on, it was the same run that my accidents happened [on] at Deer Valley, and I don’t know how you can determine whose fault it was. I crashed with the same woman twice on one run, and if you ask me, it was her fault and I’m sure if you asked her, it was my fault. I’m just saying, it’s part of skiing.”
To recap:
This was all a lot of fun
We desperately need more celebrity trials, maybe with the next one being about, like, a golf cart collision at an exclusive country club
Imagine being the lady who was out skiing in Utah and crashed into someone and realized it was FAMOUS ALLEGED MURDERER OJ SIMPSON and then crashed into someone a second time later AND IT WAS FREAKING OJ SIMPSON AGAIN
I would have absolutely done an entire chapter on this if I had gotten that book deal.
ITEM NUMBER TWO – Consider yourself warned, Bill Hader
This is the trailer for the fourth and final season of Barry, Bill Hader’s very good HBO series about a hitman who tries to go legit, kind of, with the help of an acting class and a mentor played by Henry Winkler. Things look pretty bleak, mostly because of the thing where he’s in jail awaiting trial for a murder he super-committed. It’s not great. For him. It’ll probably be a blast for us, though, if the previous three seasons are any indication. Again, it’s a good show.
Which is fine, but not what I need to talk about today. What I need to talk about is my sweet Chechen prince NoHo Hank, who is played by Anthony Carrigan and shows up in the trailer very briefly looking like… well, like this.
hbo
Bill Hader, I need you to listen to me. Pay attention. I am going to say something extremely important. Here we go…
I need NoHo Hank to be okay by the end of this series. I would prefer if he ends up thriving, but I will settle for okay. Do whatever you want with the other characters on the show. Heave Stephen Root’s character off a cliff. Drop a bowling ball on Henry Winkler’s character’s foot. Send your own character to the electric chair twice. Again, I do not care. Just let Hank be okay.
I know he is involved in crime. I know he is, on paper, not a great dude. I do not care. If you harm one-… I was going to say “hair on his head” here, but that doesn’t really apply. You get where I was headed. Leave him alone. I will never forgive you otherwise. That’s a lie. I might forgive you. Especially if you make another good show with more fun characters. But I’ll be really mad. For a while, at least. Leave NoHo Hank alone.
LEAVE NOHO HANK ALONE.
Thank you.
ITEM NUMBER THREE – Soup chat
Getty Image
Nicolas Cage is out promoting his new movie, Renfield, in which he plays Dracula and may or may not have stayed in character as Dracula between scenes, depending on whether you believe Nicolas Cage or the director of Renfield. My position on these things is usually just to believe whatever would be funniest. It’s rarely steered me wrong, at least personally.
Anyway, as part of this press tour, Nicolas Cage and his co-star Nicholas Hoult did an Ask Me Anything over at Reddit. And that’s where something pretty important happened. I have screenshotted this moment so it can be preserved for history.
REDDIT
To be very clear: A person who goes by the name “chunkybuttsoupdinner” opened up his computer and asked Academy Award-winning actor and all-around eccentric icon Nicolas Cage what his favorite soup is, and Nicolas Cage responded by saying exactly this: “Pasta fagioli. It’s a good combination of protein and carbs. It’s a nice protein blast. Gets your energy going.”
This is wonderful. Just fascinating on so many levels. Things have gotten weird on the internet in the last… oh, let’s say 10-15 years, but this right here is the good stuff. Just beautiful and stupid and everything that was promised to us when this whole thing kicked off. It gives me a little faith that things are still okay out there. That may sound like an overstatement to you but I swear I meant it. Thank you, Nicolas Cage. Thank you, chunkybuttsoupdinner. I owe you both a piping hot bowl of pasta fagioli.
Oh, and I might as well use this opportunity to post one of my favorite videos, only because I don’t know when I’ll have another excuse. It’s from the time when Adam Pally guest-hosted The Late Late Show with Ben Schwartz, way back in 2015 when the show was between hosts. It was a very strange and chaotic hour of television that I watched in an emergency room and will always remember. Please enjoy Adam Pally doing an impression of Nicolas Cage saying “the soup is hot” in the movie Bangkok Dangerous.
This was a pretty good chat about Nicolas Cage and soup.
ITEM NUMBER FOUR – The problem here is that now I need to see this
hbo
Okay, let’s knock out the basics real quick so we can get to the important business. There is going to be a third season of The White Lotus, which you probably knew or could have guessed just because the first two seasons were critical darlings that did good numbers for HBO and won some awards. Here’s what series creator Mike White said about the whole thing.
“The first season kind of highlighted money, and then the second season is sex,” creator Mike White said in a clip that aired after the season 2 finale. “I think the third season would be maybe a satirical and funny look at death and Eastern religion and spirituality. It feels like it could be a rich tapestry to do another round at White Lotus.”
Cool. This is also notable because we kind of knew it already, and that in itself is notable because the cat was kind of let out of the bag by Jackass star Johnny Knoxville, of all the damn people in the world.
When the interviewer brought up The White Lotus, Knoxville replied, “Mike White is a very close friend of mine. He and I had been in Tokyo together. I think that’s where the next… oh, I’m not giving anything away. I might call him again as soon as this is over.”
Great. Perfect. Also, “Let the Cat Out of the Bag” would be a good name for a Jackass bit where Chris Pontius is in a room with a big sack and SURPRISE the sack has a panther in it. Just spitballing.
But it brings me to the thing I want to talk about. Jennifer Coolidge was in the first two seasons of The White Lotus. She will not be in the third for… reasons… that you would… know… if you watched the show. Point being: they need a new star. And a Redditor saw something recently that might give us a clue who it is. Via Parade:
He wrote, “Was at dinner in West Hollywood last week and saw Mike White dining with someone ‘big’ (name in comments). Coincidence or Season 3 prep? Thought this sub would be curious. (Sorry for the poor quality, I was trying to be sneaky).”
While seeing DeVito bring his It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia energy to the HBO show would definitely make up for Jennifer Coolidge’s absence, there’s a chance DeVito and White were just hanging out as friends. As some of the replies pointed out, White is a celebrity and has famous friends.
Three things are true here:
This second paragraph is correct, especially since the same logic applied here could imply that Johnny Knoxville is going to star in season three, seeing as he was also out with Mike White recently, per quotes by Johnny Knoxville
I do not care and I must have Danny DeVito in the next season of The White Lotus, which will take place in Thailand
Screw it, let’s just go ahead and put Johnny Knoxville in it too, maybe as Danny DeVito’s son or dirtball nephew
In conclusion, here is a picture of Danny DeVito throwing out the first pitch at a Phillies game a few years ago.
Getty Image
This picture should hang in a museum. Lots of museums. All of the museums, if I’m being honest. But let’s start with the one in Philly, both because it’s relevant to the action in the picture and because it is the biggest museum that is closest to my house.
Someone posted this picture on Twitter on Saturday. It is the Pope in a big puffy jacket. It looks like he is on the set of a Naughty by Nature music video from the 1990s. I made that joke on Twitter pretty much as soon as I saw the picture (at least 10 people sent it to me over the weekend, which I take as both a great compliment and validation of the stupid brand I’ve curated online), but I’m making it again here for two reasons:
I stand by it
If I link to the tweet, you can click on it and see that I was at least a little skeptical of it in the moment
And guess what: It was fake. Super fake. It was created with some AI tool and posted online and someone saw it and it took off and here we all are. There’s a really good explanation of it all over at the also really good Garbage Day newsletter, which I will blockquote here but I recommend subscribing to if you want to understand lots of weird stuff that happens online. Here, look.
I think there are few interesting reasons as to why this image went as viral as it did. First, I think the way it was shared on Twitter, with the “OKAAYYY” caption felt casual enough to not really think about it. Second, I think Midjourney version five, which is the current instance of the generative-AI tool, is just really really good. And, third, and perhaps most importantly, the pope is weird and does weird stuff that looks fake all the time. I mean, he’s blessed a Lamborghini before. So if you told me that he had a real big parka, I’d believe you.
I’ll tell you my problem with all of this: It sucks. It’s not so much that it sucks because of the whole AI-duping of it all, although that’s not super great for a bunch of reasons ranging from “the future is big and scary” and “everyone got mad and wouldn’t shut up about it for a while when I wanted to relax and read tweets about the Sixers.” Mostly it sucks because, like… we didn’t have to do all that. We could have just seen a picture of the Pope in a puffy coat and said “huh, maybe that’s photoshopped but it is pretty fun either way” and moved right along with our days.
This is what I mean when I say stuff about not ruining things with research. You can straight-up learn the fun out of stuff. That’s what we did here. It’s a huge bummer. Just let me have this next time. I deserve a little treat every now and then.
READER MAIL
If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at brian.grubb@uproxx.com (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.
From Sara:
Have you ever written a full treatise about what the elements of a good fake name are? I feel like you are uniquely suited to write the definitive piece on this. I would like to read it. Call it The Mitch Casino Theorem Of Fake Names.
Well, this is very sweet. Thank you, Sara. And it’s also kind of touching that you remembered my favorite fake name of all. The only downside here is that it confirms that I can’t actually use the name if I ever do go on the run, because the cops can squeeze you and get you to give up my alias. I don’t know why I assume you’d rat me out. You’re probably cool. You’re cool, right, Sara?!
Anyway, at the risk of pulling back the curtain and revealing myself to be some bozo, my strategy for fake names is alarmingly simple: A regular first name and then a noun for a last name. Examples will help:
Brenda Sacramento
Lonnie Barnacle
Trevor Hardwood
Leslie Milkshake
Dickie Calabassas
And so on. It’s fun. Once you start, it can be really hard to stop. Sometimes I’ll be driving down the street and see a sign that says, like, “Bernard Shoes” or “Bradley Pulverizer” — both real signs I have seen for real businesses — and get so wrapped up thinking about what a person with that name would look like that I almost get into an accident. There’s a chance I just ruined your brain in the same way mine has been ruined for years now.
A massive whale skull has been stolen from a museum, leaving staff mystified as to how the thieves could have gotten away with the act.
Ladies and gentlemen…
We have a whale skull heist.
“Given the size and weight of the skull, it would have required large machinery (including a crane and a flat bed truck) to undertake the move,” the museum posted on Facebook alongside pictures of the skull.
I know I just said a few weeks ago that the Cadbury Creme Egg heist was the only thing I cared about, and I know the opening to this week’s whole column was me blabbering on and on about the Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial, but listen: this is now the only thing I care about.
A crane.
A flatbed truck.
TO STEAL A WHALE SKULL
WHAT IS THE ENDGAME HERE?
IS THERE A WHALE SKULL BLACK MARKET?
WOULD YOU WATCH A 10-EPISODE DOCUSERIES ABOUT THIS?
I would.
Sperm whale skulls are enormous, comprising around a third of the length of the whale’s entire body. One exceptionally large specimen was described in 1853 as being 62 feet long, with a 20 foot-long head.
Therefore, removing the skull and hiding it was not a one-person job, and likely would have required some machinery.
“It’s bloody huge, so this took some organization and coordination by whoever took it,” George said.
Okay. I’m still serious about the docuseries thing. I still want that. But now I also want a whole limited series, like a Fargo thing, that opens with a group of idiots sitting around a bar talking themselves into stealing a whale skull. And stealing the machinery for the whale skull heist. Multiple stages with multiple heists. All for no other reason than to have a whale skull.
I have this mental image right now of like six dudes standing around a whale skull in a big open field and the excitement wearing off all at once and being like “… what now?”
“It is illegal in NSW (New South Wales) to possess any part of a whale without the appropriate licenses, with those found guilty of the offense potentially facing fines in excess of $80,000,” the museum said.
It’s also illegal to steal things. That’s a crime, too. Let’s not forget that part of it.
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will be gone soon cause if you know me I ain’t paying the 5. 
(@90scinemah) 
(@tvtalkswithtom) 
4x (@psychofinalgirl) 
