Author: GoneTrending

If you’re ever caught smuggling drugs on your person (not that we’d ever condone that), we can all learn a little somethin’ from Patrick Florence—namely, that junk on your junk is a bad idea. As Raw Story reports, the 34-year-old Florida man was pulled over by police early Saturday morning for driving a car that that did not have its lights on. But things only got worse from there when, according to Orlando Weekly, Florence was “arrested by police for DUI and possession of marijuana. A search of the car uncovered a gun under Florence’s seat.”

The discovery of these items led police to search further, right down into the suspect’s pants, where deputies discovered bags of cocaine and methamphetamines wrapped around Florence’s phallus. According to the police report, however, the suspect “stated the package wrapped around his penis was not his.” Florence apparently did not elaborate much further, meaning that he did not say who the drugs in question belonged to and/or if he was aware that he was driving around with a crotch full of coke.

One has to imagine that it would have been hard for a stranger to gain access to the man’s member without him noticing, but we are not here to make assumptions or judge.

As Raw Story helpfully notes: “Hiding drugs in the crotch is not a new practice. In 2012, one case made national news after a Philadelphia man was found with 89 bags of cannabis tied to his penis.”

And to all a good night…

(Via Raw Story)

Tom Holland had an eventful 2021. He’s in what’s likely to become the highest-grossing movie of the year; he’s dating Zendaya (even though they were both told not to); and he made a young Spider-Man fan’s dream come true. His 2022 will be packed, too, including playing Fred Astaire in a biopic about the legendary actor/dancer/singer and starring in Uncharted, based on the popular video game series of the same name.

On Thursday, Sony released a new trailer for the action-adventure film, which is a step-up from the first trailer. Not only does Holland get to do Spider-Man stuff, what with all the jumping, but we also see Mark Wahlberg’s Sully mustache for the first time. This is important for people who care too much about video games (me).

Here’s the official plot synopsis:

Street-smart thief Nathan Drake is recruited by seasoned treasure hunter Victor “Sully” Sullivan to recover a fortune lost by Ferdinand Magellan 500 years ago. What starts as a heist job for the duo becomes a globe-trotting, white-knuckle race to reach the prize before the ruthless Moncada, who believes he and his family are the rightful heirs. If Nate and Sully can decipher the clues and solve one of the world’s oldest mysteries, they stand to find $5 billion in treasure and perhaps even Nate’s long-lost brother… but only if they can learn to work together.

Uncharted, which also stars Sophia Ali as Chloe and Antonio Banderas, opens on February 18.

QAnon conspiracy cosplay is front and center in Reno 911! The Hunt For QAnon, the latest chapter of the Reno 911! saga… saga, I like that. It has been 18 years since Tom Lennon, Robert Ben Garant, Kerri Kinney-Silver, and company kicked off their weird meditation on police work (and whatever else has come into their orbit). Now, the former Comedy Central standout turned movie turned Quibi and Roku headliner is heading to Paramount+ for its 2nd film with a focus on tracking down the infamous Q. But according to Lennon, we shouldn’t take this as a political film. It’s more an exploration into the ridiculousness of some of the “larger than life” characters that have filled the news recently and what happens when they run into the gang from the Reno Sherriff’s Department.

We spoke with Lennon about all of that, getting flat out denied in efforts to film on a specific cruise ship, never trying to write what he thinks other people will think is funny, and the nude British people who had a formative effect on him and his career.

What were some of the changes and challenges of doing this versus the season with Quibi? I think when we had talked last time, it was almost sketch-based where this is more of a full narrative story.

I love that. Thank you for saying it’s a full narrative story because that’s definitely a tiny bit true. I feel like whenever we make a movie, which is twice now, there is a pretty solid argument that it really is also a sketch movie. Which in many ways goes back to what the show was always meant to be.

The very weird way that the movie has a plot is Paramount came to us and they said, “Do you want to make a feature-length movie for Paramount+?” We’re like, “Obviously, of course we do.” And then they said, “Great. So it’s called Reno 911! The Hunt for QAnon.” And we’re like, wait a second. Did you just tell us what the title of the movie is? No one does that. You can’t do that, right? Can you? That’s crazy.

Does that come out of a machine? How do they generate a title?

Did one of the manatees bump it by the nose into a tank? There was a big debate between me and Ben [Robert Ben Garant] and Kerri [Kenney-Silver]. It’s like, is that something we could, that’s funny? What are we doing? Can we even… Is there any universe that we could turn Reno 911: The Hunt for QAnon into something that both feels like a kind of satisfying movie and is hilarious? But also, if you know us, we’re not particularly political people in this show. So I think the biggest surprise to all of us, was reverse engineering a movie from a batshit crazy title. I feel like, and obviously, I’m a little close to it, but I feel like it completely worked.

It really does. But I imagine another part of the challenge is just making the fiction more outrageous than the reality.

Right. Which is, you know, we walk a very close line. And one thing that’s great is some of the Q folks that showed up this last year are a little bit larger than life, I think is a good way to put it.

Absolutely, yeah.

And in a weird way, as the Reno characters are also kind of larger than life. I feel like it could have been Reno Vs Q, or it could have been Reno 911! Vs The Muppets, because we all definitely exist in a world where the characters are bigger. You know what I mean?

I would like to see that if we can make that happen.

Hey, let’s see how this one goes, but so far, it seems like it’s going pretty well. So the challenges were… For us, doing this show, it’s always like, what have we not done before, mixed with what are we very good at? Which is sort of like inappropriate stuff. The stuff that’s always my favorite in Reno is usually not the biggest flashiest stuff. It’s like the deputies talking around a table. You’ll hear the weirdest… None of those conversations are ever written. None of them would ever be approved by anyone, ever. But that said, Paramount+… And even this last run that we’ve been doing, which is Quibi, Roku, to Paramount+, no one’s given us any content notes. At all. It’s been really kind of a joy.

The one thing that does frustrate me tremendously is like, I’ll put up the poster for the new movie on Paramount+, and people would be like, “I miss that show.” And then I’d have to say, there are 25 brand new of the best ones we’ve ever done on Roku right now. We didn’t hide them. They’re right there. I weirdly feel like we’ve hit sort of the golden era of Reno 911, between the Quibi shows which, while not that many people saw them, they got four Emmy nominations. We got a fan letter from Steven Spielberg, which was very cool. That was one of the coolest things that ever happened. And then of course it led to doing this new movie. So as much as Quibi seemed like a weird idea at the time, it led to, I think, some pretty cool stuff that’s coming out. Especially some of the Roku episodes, which there definitely are more coming out. I’m not allowed to say when they come out, but there are more.

So as you said, you guys don’t usually get too political.

We do not.

With this stuff (QAnon), it almost feels like it outpaces the word political. It is political by its nature, but also it’s just, there’s a reality versus fantasy sort of thing at play.

I think the only way you could think the movie is really political in some way is if you’re standing like one inch away from it, or if you just look at the title. But in a weird way that… The way that we do everything, is that what it’s actually about? Or is it about a bunch of horny weirdos on a boat? Ultimately we kind of take anything… We reduce everything to its absolute stupidest. We’re like the opposite of the Large Hadron Collider. [Laughs] We just smash shit until it becomes worse and worse and smaller and smaller. And then everything’s just about icky interpersonal relationships and horniness and a bunch of sad weirdos.

What was it that made the boat the right setting?

A lot of times we just kind of work backward. We’re like, how could you possibly make a Q movie work? Well, what if, and I can’t say verbatim this has probably happened, but I think it must have… If due to posts on message boards, Q, or somebody from Q, were to get accused of slander or libel? And sometimes you have to serve papers literally to a physical person for then show up in court. So we’re like, well, that makes just barely enough sense that we could hang a movie off of this. Just barely enough sense. And then we had been talking for a while about doing sort of a Poseidon Adventure type movie that was sort of based on a cruise line that I won’t name, because they would not like it. Because we actually asked if we could film on this really nice cruise line that shall remain unnamed. And they were like, “A million percent, you may not.” We’re like, “Hey, we’re going to do this funny scene where Dangle’s got diarrhea, but he’s also trapped in the water slide. So like, I’m nude in the water slide.” And they’re like, “There’s no universe where you’re doing this on any of our cruise ships.” And we’re like, “Well, wait a second, your cruise ships are closed for COVID and they’re full of viruses. And they’re like, “You would still be the worst thing on our empty cruise ships. No, you may not film on them, you gross, gross weirdos.”

It’s really just an excuse to surround ourselves with people like Kulap Vilaysack, who plays a pretty amazing role. Jay Pichardo, Gary Anthony Williams. I find if you look at most of the Reno films, which is just now two, and a lot of the show, most of the fun is when we are somewhere and people are just yelling at us. If you notice, every single thing… I think in this movie, Kulap, like the second I open my mouth, she slaps me so hard across the face. And I think those are my favorite kind of scenes to play.

Before you go, tell me a little about what’s going on with Ronan?

Ronan Boyle, the book series, the third one is done. The first one made the New York Times bestseller list. The second one has done well. And now Fergal Reilly, who directed a movie called Angry Birds, a great Irish animator, artist, and director is directing the Dreamworks feature. Little spoiler, which is just that, as the Smiths song goes, these things take time. So currently, it’s completely honest to tell you that Ronan Boyle And The Bridge of Riddles, the movie, will come out on Christmas Day, or Christmas Eve, maybe… I think Christmas Eve 2025.

So that’s a ways away.

The first book is dedicated to my son when he was little and now my son will hopefully be able to drive me to the premiere of the film when it comes out, even though he was a tiny child.

Your career is so diverse in terms of the tone of your work, what’s the hierarchy for you?

Well, I think what’s interesting is how much I don’t sort or compartmentalize what I generally do. And that’s gotten some, definitely some… Sometimes in the books, there’s some criticism, oh, like, hey, they’re like, “Hey, these Ronan Boyle books aren’t really for little kids.” And I’m like, “So what? Maybe not.” But when I was a kid, I always enjoyed the things that I was not necessarily invited to, but got to go to. This may go back to a very strange story. Which is when I was seven years old, we were in London. It was 1977 and I was seven. We would always go see plays every night. We saw a lot of plays. They were big theater people. So one night we saw Evita, and then the next night we saw the original production of Equus in London. And there are naked people on stage for like 20 minutes in Equus. And I remember as a kid thinking show business is amazing. I’m going to have something to do with this. But yeah. So I guess I got to see things early that were not always the most appropriate thing. The thing about comedy is once you’re there for a long time… I never divide my stuff for grownups or for kids. I just don’t. There is no difference to me. And I guess it’s because I’m a very immature grownup. Or I was a very mature kid. But I’ve been laughing at the same things.

You’ll find that kids laugh at the same things that you’re laughing at. I think actually some of the biggest misses that you see when people are attempting to do stuff is when they think… The main thing where people fail is they think, “Oh, someone would think that’s funny.” And you can say what you want about my writing career and my career for the most part, I almost never, if it was something I wrote, you’ll never see me trying to guess what someone else thinks is funny. And in the Reno movie, I think it’s a great example of, this is very funny to us. We wouldn’t pander to anybody nor would we really whitewash it. I mean, there’s some weird shit in this movie. But of course in the Reno 911 movie, it makes weirdly perfect sense.

‘Reno 911! The Hunt For QAnon’ is available to stream on Paramount+ and there are additional, recent episodes of ‘Reno 911!’ on Roku. Here’s an exclusive clip from the film.

Joan Didion, iconic writer known for her works like Play It As It Lays and The White Album, has passed away at the age of 87. A groundbreaking journalist covering counter culture in the ’60s, ’70s, and beyond, Didion’s writing influenced generations after her, including many of today’s musicians. Mourning her passing and reflecting on her life’s work, many musicians took to Twitter to pay tribute to the iconic writer.

Some musicians had very heartfelt and touching response to the news about Didion’s passing. Phoebe Bridgers shared a passage from Didion’s essay “Goodbye To All That” about being in an unfamiliar place while adding “RIP Joan.”

Artists like Maggie Rogers, Best Coast, and Illuminati Hotties’ Sarah Tudzin reflected on how much Didion’s writing has meant to them over the years.

Charly Bliss had their own way of remembering the iconic writer. The band retweeted one of their tweets from last month that read, “Joan Didion should go on Hot Ones,” and simply added a few hearts for good measure.

Several other musicians also shared some thoughts on Didion’s passing including Aly & AJ, Speedy Ortiz’s Sadie Dupuis, Jenny Lewis, and more.

Some of the artists covered here are Warner Music artists. Uproxx is an independent subsidiary of Warner Music Group.

Upon posing on the daring album cover for Heaux Tales -– with a statuesque Jazmine Sullivan in her translucent biker shorts glory -– the Philly-bred singer-songwriter put longtime fans on notice that they were in for a new era. On Heaux Tales, Sullivan’s first effort in six years that comes in 5th in the 2021 Uproxx Music Critics Poll, she unlocks personal terrain through unflinching narratives of insecurities, sexual conquests, and materialism. Leading a fellowship of close friends who share spoken vignettes of their most esteemed and regrettable experiences as women, Heaux Tales finds Sullivan becoming a new vanguard of feminism in music, giving voice to Black women who are still in search of themselves.

On previous albums Fearless, Love Me Back, and Reality Show, Sullivan had all the makings of a rising soul icon, with ambitious songwriting, genre-bending production, and belty vocals. In comparison to Heaux Tales, her content was bereft of intimate portraits that she sought for Black women listeners, an intention that she aimed to reach during her post-Reality Show hiatus. Taking a breather from music to shake the aftereffects of leaving an abusive relationship, Sullivan returned with profound strength, seeking to interview her friends about their own trials in love and loss. With her sister circle willing to record their innermost thoughts and conversations as interludes on Heaux Tales, their words give an intrinsic, meditative texture to the EP.

In an Essence interview with Issa Rae, Sullivan spoke about the collaborative purpose behind Heaux Tales:

“For this project, it was important for me to share the stories of the women I love and hold dear to my heart. I feel like they are just as banging and dynamic as me. And I want to give space and opportunity to women, period. I feel like we get caught up in thinking there’s “only one” of us.”

Rapt with harrowing interludes that center one woman at a time — with gospel-tinged “Donna’s Tale” practically being a sermon on ‘tricking’ in relationships –- Heaux Tales is an R&B canon of solidarity. Mirroring spoken interludes in piercing, soul-baring song form, Sullivan honors the resilience of Black women, with respect for their most vulnerable musings. On album opener “Bodies,” she acts as a guilt-ridden conscience following a drunken night out and sobering morning where Sullivan doesn’t recognize who she’s woken up beside. While triggering, “Bodies” resonates with Black women who endure their own personal misogynoir about “pilin’ up bodies on bodies on bodies.”

Sullivan’s vocals act as a sinew for the expressive, conversational therapy of Heaux Tales, where listeners are invited to relate to honest monologues without shame. Raised by a playwright mother and poet grandmother, Sullivan closely followed her matriarch’s teachings, scripting emblematic ballads that trace each tale. Instead of Sullivan titling her friends’ ruminations as interludes, she lauds them as ‘tales,’ preserving their messages and putting them center stage.

In the introductory interlude, “Antoinette’s Tale,” Sullivan’s friend and podcaster Antoinette Henry tackles the patriarchy by revering women’s ownership over their sexuality. The interlude shifts into lead-single “Pick Up Your Feelings” a searing call to men to let go of control and broken relationship ties. Like the beatnik production on “Pick Up Your Feelings,” during the Heaux Tales performance round-up earlier this year, Sullivan was occasionally seen donning ’60s-esque mod attire and hairstyles, which can be interpreted as an homage to the legacy of Black women in R&B and soul.

Segueing into “Ari’s Tale,” narrated by Shea Butter Baby delight Ari Lennox, the singer recalls being mesmerized under the sexual dominance of a former partner, praising various deities and hypnotically repeating “this is just my truth.” Before joining Lennox on the salacious, sex-amped anthem “On It,” Sullivan grapples with sexual infatuation over haunting a Key Wane production on “Put It Down.” While controversial for its message of sponsoring undeserving men, “Put It Down” rings true with women who’ve been disoriented in the throes of lust.

Following “Donna’s Tale,” where Sullivan’s godmother Donna Anderson reveals lessons in ‘tricking,’ Heaux Tales lands into its sole collaboration with a male artist. Featuring Anderson .Paak, one-half of Silk Sonic, “Price Tags” is a raspy, harmonic ode to women getting their money up by taking advantage of naïve men.

“Price Tags” is trailed by “Rashida’s Tale” where Sullivan’s friend Rashida Northington describes a moment of infidelity where she cheated on her former fiancée with a friend of the couple. Sullivan’s vocals softly cascade in the background of Northington’s account, arriving at “Lost Ones” where the singer reveals that “sometimes it’s too late to make amends.” On Heaux Tales, there’s no room for judgment, just women coming face-to-face with deep-rooted taboos. There’s power in acceptance.

In an interview with Pitchfork, Sullivan spoke about women taking accountability for their mistakes in order to give themselves grace:

“In order to move on and heal and enjoy the life that you’re still living, you have to forgive yourself. I was going through that process while making the project, and I want other women who I know are feeling the same way to know that it’s okay. Learn from your mistakes and move the eff on.”

Heaux Tales takes those mistakes and turns them into passages of healing. With Sullivan’s robust vocals being an anomaly in the current age of R&B. the album is an embodiment of #ProtectBlackWomen, venturing through unguarded stories that transform into empowering wisdom.

As Sullivan’s strongest effort yet, Heaux Tales instantly garnered widespread critical acclaim for its truth, the singer nabbing two 2021 Soul Train Awards for Album of the Year and Best R&B/Soul Female Artist. At the 2021 BET Awards, Sullivan won Album of the Year, and in the 63rd Grammy Awards in 2022, the vocalist will be up for Best R&B Album, Best R&B Performance, and Best R&B Song, the latter two nominations for “Pick Up Your Feelings.”

With minimalist soundscapes, Jazmine Sullivan’s evocative impact shines through. Leading a crusade of Black women through their plights, Heaux Tales is a stirring gaze into the unapologetic future of feminism.

Do as Madison Cawthorn says, not as he does. Just days after he urged a group of young conservatives to drop out of college and get married, the North Carolina congressman and staunch anti-vaxxer has announced that he and his wife are getting divorced after a whopping eight months of marriage.

As Raw Story reports, Cawthorn released a statement via his rep on Twitter announcing his impending divorce, explaining that:

“When my wife Cristina and I were engaged, I was not a member of Congress, I felt called to serve and we both agreed that I should run. Our victory was unprecedented, but overnight our lives changed. That change has been both hectic and difficult, it’s neither the pace nor the lifestyle we had planned for. From the outset, we committed to make things work, to fight for our marriage, and seek counsel for balancing the enormity of such a transition in life. Together, we realized that balance was not attainable, and that we had irreconcilable differences between us. While it was an enormously difficult decision, Cristina and I have mutually decided to divorce. We ask for privacy as we work through this privately.”

The fact that reading that statement took about as long as Cawthorn’s marriage lasted was not lost on people. Especially since, on TUESDAY of this week, he urged a group of young Republicans at the Turning Point USA’s America Fest to be like him and be home-schooled, then forget about college and get married instead!

“I am proudly a college dropout,” Cawthorn told the crowd. “Unless you are becoming a doctor or lawyer or engineer, I highly encourage you to drop out. It’s a scam!” He also encouraged people to marry young, though one might want to tread lightly when following Cawthorn’s relationship advice.

Oddly, diehard Trumpist Charlie Kirk was also pushing the idea of marrying young at the same event. And he, too, was married earlier this year… could Cawthorn be starting a new Republican trend?

In his short time in politics, Cawthorn has managed to be a magnet for controversy and criticism—and was labeled a “racist” by Corey Booker in late 2020, after the Cawthorn accused the senator of trying to “ruin white males.” Oh, and there’s also his whole weird fascination with Hitler and the Nazis.

So: Congratulations to the new ex-Mrs. Cawthorn.

(Via Raw Story)

At the moment, Spencer Elden, who is known for appearing on the iconic album cover of Nirvana’s Nevermind as a baby, is suing the band over claims of child pornography, as the image shows his genitalia. Elden has had his share of detractors since the lawsuit was first revealed, including Chris Cuomo, Bill Maher, and even Dave Grohl. Now, Nirvana has offered its first formal response to the lawsuit.

As Billboard reports, Nirvana claims the lawsuit was filed well after the statute of limitations; Federal child pornography law has a 10-year statute of limitations, starting when the alleged victim “reasonably discovers” either the violation itself or the harm from it. Nirvana’s statement says, “The Nevermind cover photograph was taken in 1991. It was world-famous by no later than 1992. Long before 2011, as Elden has pled, Elden knew about the photograph, and knew that he (and not someone else) was the baby in the photograph. He has been fully aware of the facts of both the supposed ‘violation’ and ‘injury’ for decades.”

The statement also says that Elden “has spent three decades profiting from his celebrity as the self-anointed ‘Nirvana Baby,’” noting that he has “re-enacted the photograph in exchange for a fee” multiple times, that he has the name of the album tattooed on his chest, and that he has “used the connection to try to pick up women,” the latter point based on an interview in which Elden recounted a related story.

The band ultimately dismissed the seriousness of Elden’s claim, saying, “Elden’s claim that the photograph on the Nevermind album cover is ‘child pornography’ is, on its face, not serious. A brief examination of the photograph, or Elden’s own conduct (not to mention the photograph’s presence in the homes of millions of Americans who, on Elden’s theory, are guilty of felony possession of child pornography) makes that clear.”

With the cat now fully out of the bag that Vincent D’Onofrio returns as Kingpin in Marvel’s Hawkeye series for Disney+, the actor is opening up about reprising his fan-favorite role and continuing to get closer to the classic villains’ comic book roots. During the Hawkeye season finale, Kingpin is seen wearing a distinctive Hawaiian shirt, which has a connection to the source material as well as D’Onofrio’s time playing the character on the Daredevil series for Netflix.

Via Entertainment Weekly:

I believe that the Hawaiian shirt, white suit, and hat is from the “Family Business” comic [arc]. It’s actually my screensaver on my computer, and it has been since I started doing Daredevil years ago. So I think it came from that, [and] the aspect of the collaboration with the incredible costume people there. With Fisk, like a lot of the characters in the MCU, there’s a palette of looks that they’ve had over the years and we had a lot of to choose from. So yeah, I have input and it’s like a collaborative effort. It’s really fun being creative with the Marvel team.

Of course, the big question is whether Charlie Cox and D’Onofrio appearing in the MCU officially make the Netflix series canon. Neither Spider-Man: No Way Home nor Hawkeye address that billion-dollar question, but D’Onofrio does his best to provide his take on the situation.

“I know that we were picking up with the same guy,” D’Onofrio told EW. “It’s tough to connect all the dots, but they connected as many as they could and that he had lost a bit of his power because of the Blip. But the idea [was] to bring him into Hawkeye, to have him be that same character that he was in the earlier show, and play him like that.”

So, essentially, it’s still the same Kingpin, but there’s no word on whether the events of the Netflix shows happened in the MCU or not. We’re going to go ahead and file the answer to that one under “Kinda…?”

(Via Entertainment Weekly)

The Golden State Warriors look like they might be the NBA’s team to beat this season. After spending each of the last two years riddled by injuries and trying to reset things following Kevin Durant’s departure on the heels of five NBA finals appearances in a row, the Dubs are 25-6, the second-best record in the league.

Perhaps the most concerning thing for the rest of the league — beyond Steph Curry looking like an MVP frontrunner and the fact that Klay Thompson’s return from two consecutive season-ending injuries looms large — is that Golden State looks like it’s playing the kind of cohesive basketball on both ends of the floor that was the hallmark of their run atop the league. It’s been fun to watch … well, unless you’re Austin Rivers of the Denver Nuggets, then it stinks to high heaven.

Rivers hopped onto Instagram Live earlier this week and gave his thoughts on the Dubs. In classic Austin Rivers fashion, he gave a take that was both extremely honest and also very funny.

“Golden State definitely looks very solid right now, and I hate to see it,” Rivers said. “I don’t like it one bit. I’m tired of that f*cking team.”

This does seem to suggest that playing against the Golden State Warriors stinks, which, yeah it certainly seems that way.

The best version of A Christmas Carol is, of course, A Muppet Christmas Carol, starring Michael Caine as Scrooge and, for some unknown and perfect reason, Gonzo as Charles Dickens. We all know this. There’s no point in arguing the point or even trying to improve on it. We, as a society, will never do better from an adaptation standpoint. That’s fine. It’s okay to admit that.

We can get weirder, though. We can get so much weirder. There’s nothing stopping us from making the wildest and most chaotic version of this thing anyone has ever seen. We should, too. We should litter it with our favorite actors from film and television and let them run wild and maybe swear a little. Or a lot. Let’s make a hard-R version of A Christmas Carol. The people deserve it. For the holidays.

And so… that’s what’s happening here. Yes, it is. I’m going to cast a weird and profane version of A Christmas Carol. Let’s all just go ahead and assume it’s written and directed by Shane Black, too. Let’s have it all. Tis the season, after all.

NARRATOR – Matt Berry

Matt Berry should narrate most things, so this is a solid place to start. And the vast majority of this cast I’ve put together isn’t British at all and I don’t particularly want them to try a British accent, so it’s nice to have at least a little authenticity. But mostly, I just like the idea of Matt Berry doing this because Matt Berry is the best.

It could be fun, too, because it would set a nice tone. Matt Berry is at his best when he’s being a little naughty, working a little blue. That’s the vibe I’m shooting for here. Fade in, quick opening credits over a drone shot of the London streets, then blammo, Matt Berry chatting up a waitress and then turning to the camera to introduce the festivities. He can pop up throughout. As often as he likes. It’s his show, really.

SCROOGE – Brian Cox

This one is a no-brainer: Brian Cox, Logan Roy from Succession, giving it the full stare and growl, with various humbugs and f-words littered about as a series of spirits drag him through various moments in time against his will until he understands and accepts the meaning of Christmas. He’s basically already playing Scrooge now. It wouldn’t even require much character work on his part. We can have his lines knocked out by lunch, I suspect.

It would be wild if this is where Succession is heading, by the way. Like if Logan gets visited by ghosts and suddenly becomes the most charitable sweetheart on the face of the planet. I suppose we can’t rule it out.

THE MARLEYS – Stephen Root and Jennifer Coolidge as husband and wife

Three things are true here.

The first is that Stephen Root rules, every time, in everything, and I have no doubt he would do so once again as a wisecracking version of Jacob Marley who shows up at night to freak out Scrooge and tell him more ghosts are a-comin’. Most movies and television shows should have Stephen Root in them.

The second thing is that there are no rules here. We can play with the form all we want. The Muppets replaced Jacob Marley with “the Marleys” as an excuse to have Statler and Waldorf say bad jokes to Michael Caine. We should all take note of this and learn from it, both in this specific situation and in general. Anything is possible.

The third thing, as we all know, is that Jennifer Coolidge also rules.

Stephen Root and Jennifer Coolidge as married ghosts who show up on Christmas Eve to give Brian Cox an ominous warning and maybe do a few silly bits. I would watch two hours of just, like, that. You would, too. Don’t lie. But it gets better, because…

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT – Jack Black

The Ghost of Christmas Present is the first spirit that visits Scrooge and is usually depicted as a big gregarious dude who likes to party and drink and eat. There has never been a role more perfectly suited for Jack Black. He can give it the full Jack Black, too, with singing and riffs and filthy cussing because, as we have established, things are getting wild here. I don’t even need to type anything else. I can just end this paragraph… now.

I’m actually kind of mad this one hasn’t happened already.

BOB CRATCHIT – Charlie Day

Bob Cratchit is always some vanilla cookie who has no real personality beyond “likes Christmas” and “works for Scrooge” and “loves his family,” which, like, fine. But what this hypothetical film presupposes is… what if he were kind of a maniac? It’s a fair question. I want to see Charlie Day screeching around old-timey London with a scarf and top hat and enough manic energy pulsing off of his body to power the entire city.

Let your mind run wild with this one. It’s a good time.

MRS. CRATCHIT – Vanessa Bayer

You know who’s great? Vanessa Bayer. Every damn time, too. It’s the misdirection, really, I think, the thing where she has this sweet and innocent face and then you look in her eyes and there’s this devious twinkle in there that gives away the wildfire burning behind them. Look at that video up there. Look at any of the characters she plays on SNL. Mrs. Cratchit is kind of a nothing role in the grand scheme of this sucker and I feel bad sticking Vanessa Bayer with it but I feel like she could bring a little anarchy to the proceedings in the best way possible.

Let’s pencil this one in.

TINY TIM – Kyle Mooney

A few notes:

• Tiny Tim is a young child with a slew of unspecified medical problems that range from a thin little cough to mobility issues
• Kyle Mooney is a fully-grown adult who at many times has at least a partially former beard
• I… still think this works.

Sleep on it. I think you’ll agree. See above re: no rules.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST – Patti Harrison

This spirit is typically portrayed as a young-ish girl with flowing robes and semi-translucent body and a kind of creepy/calm vibe. Which is great. Shoutout to Charles Dickens. But we are going to cast Patti Harrison. You know Patti Harrison. She’s in a bunch of sketches from I Think You Should Leave and she steals every one of them. She’s usually yelling. It’s great.

So… that’s the deal here. Patti Harrison dragging Brian Cox through his past, yelling at him a little, just getting all kinds of weird about it. This is probably the one I’m most excited about. I feel great about it. Merry Christmas.

Hey, while we’re in the past…

YOUNG SCROOGE – Cillian Murphy

Just burning holes through people with that icy glare, smoking cigarettes, the whole thing. He doesn’t even need to change out of his wardrobe from Peaky Blinders. He can just strut over between takes there and film a scene or two and then strut right back. It’s almost too easy, really.

FEZZIWIG – Sam Richardson

The trick here is that Fezziwig is Young Scrooge’s mentor and Cillian Murphy is not nearly young enough to be mentored by a character played by Sam Richardson. But problems like this create opportunities, and this one leads us to a solution I am, quite frankly, thrilled about: Sam Richardson in old man makeup.

Take a second right now and get this mental image: Sam Richardson, with all his goofy and fun energy, bouncing around his office building and mingling with the staff, slapping backs and handing out holiday bonuses, oozing charm out of every visible orifice, and then… Cillian Murphy. Just staring at him. Smoking a cigarette. And then stubbing it out. And saying “humbug.”

This is a great idea.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE – Danny McBride

I know, I know. The Ghost of Christmas Future is usually silent, or at least mostly silent. He has a robe and a creepy, bony appearance and just generally looks like death incarnate as he takes Scrooge through a future where he’s unloved and forgotten and buried in a grave that no one comes to visit.

But, as a counterpoint: What if he was Danny McBride? What if, when he pointed at Scrooge’s grave with his index finger, instead of doing so with an ominous quiet doom implied, he just shouted, like, “LOOK AT THAT, DUMBASS. YOU’RE DEAD. BET YOU WISH YOU’D BEEN BETTER, HUH?”

I think it would work. I think it would all work. Or fail miserably. Either way, definitely worth watching.