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Tucker Carlson Is No Longer Hot For M&M’s Candy Characters Since The Company Introduced ‘Distinctly Frumpy Lesbian M&M’s’

When Tucker Carlson started promoting the benefits of testicle tanning on his show, in many ways it seemed like the Fox New host had his personal rock bottom. But that was before he admitted how horny he was for the animated Green M&M in the candy company’s long-running commercials.

Last week, M&Ms unveiled some new versions of their colorful classic candy characters in order to make them more inclusive, but all Carlson saw was red — in the form of the Brown M&M, whom he dubbed “less sexy.” Weirdly, no one on the set cut off his mic, so the host kept going, insisting that: “M&M’s will not be satisfied until every cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous, until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”

The real takeaway here is how infatuated Tucker must have been with the Brown M&M that at some point had WANTED to take a tiny piece of candy-coated chocolate out for a drink. And yet he still wasn’t over it by Monday night — and this time even brought the poor old Green M&M into the conversation. The way Carlson sees it, M&M’s attempt to be “woke” is what has led to his lack of lust for the new characters: “In its ad campaigns, Mars set about making its M&M characters as unattractive as possible because when you’re intentionally repulsive, it’s clear that you’ve got the right politics.”

That statement doesn’t really check out, because it would imply that Tucker has the right politics. But Carlson wasn’t done in explaining how the candymaker de-sexified its cartoon candy mascots:

So the Green M&M lost her sexy boots; the brown M&M her stiletto heels. The Orange M&M, meanwhile, became a poster boy for the mental health crisis and would henceforth ‘acknowledge and embrace his anxiety.’ Because America badly needs more neurotic candy.

Then, late last year, Mars went further: The company added obese and distinctly frumpy lesbian M&Ms to promote ‘feminism and body positivity.’ In other words, explained the Mars corporation, it’s good to be fat — have some more M&Ms.

Carlson noted that he first reported on the story last year and had pledged a “deeper investigation” into the matter — because why would a network with “News” in its name dare not to investigate this travesty? But before Tucker and co. could reportedly complete their investigation, “Mars announced that it’s suspending its ad campaign,” Tucker said.

He then went on some nonsensical tear about other people condemning him and his show for attacking M&Ms for being political in the first place. It all got a bit confusing and went a bit off the rails, which you can see for yourself above.