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Based On Zero Evidence, Trump Accused Joe Biden (And Hunter, Too) Of Leaving Behind The Cocaine Found At The White House

After a thorough investigation of watching Scarface and listening to David Bowie’s Station to Station, the Secret Service has concluded that the cocaine found at the White House belonged to… ¯_(ツ)_/¯. “Without physical evidence, the investigation will not be able to single out a person of interest from the hundreds of individuals who passed through the vestibule where the cocaine was discovered. At this time, the Secret Service’s investigation is closed due to a lack of physical evidence,” a statement read, according to CNN.

Detective Donald Trump thinks he knows who left the bag of nose candy, however (no, it’s not his son.)

“What do you say when you see ‘cocaine in the White House’? Can you even believe that’s possible?” Real America’s Voice quack Wayne Allyn Root asked the former president — who once invited Kid Rock to the White House — on Thursday. Trump replied, “In my opinion, it’s Hunter and probably Joe. Because you watch Joe at the beginning of a speech and he’s got a little life — not much — but by the end of the speech, he’s a disaster. He can’t find his way off the stage. So, there’s something going on there, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was for both of them. I think it’s for both of them. But that’s my opinion.”

Trump added, “I think they bump him up,” emphasis on the word “bump.” He doesn’t want “a president on cocaine who’s dealing with nuclear weapons and everything else.” The only thing Trump gets high on is life… and aspartame.

Here’s the clip:

(Via CNN and Mediaite)