Previously on the Ins and Outs of AEW Dynamite: Matt Hardy revealed that he’s a 3,000 year old spirit who hung out with Jesus Christ’s disciples and has the ability to teleport, although that was later retconned into a Mysterio in Spider-Man: Far From Home-style drone illusion. Also, the Cultist Beaver Boys learned that DADDY EATS FIRST.
If you’d like to keep up with this column and its thinly veiled Best and Worst format, you can keep tabs on the Ins and Outs of AEW Dynamite tag page. I’m also recapping Dark, which you can keep up with here, and you can keep track of all things All Elite here.
And now, the Ins and Outs of All Elite Wrestling Dynamite for April 1, 2020.
Mostly In: Trent (Almost) Goes The Distance
Man, wrestling Kenny Omega in AEW right now must be like playing against Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl. He’s going to run circles around you and all your friends, and even if you manage to touch him he’s just going to shrug it off and keep running. Last week he completely no-sold Sammy Guevara’s version of Feast Your Eyes (which we learned on Dark is actually Sammy’s finisher now), and this week he takes a snap half-nelson suplex from Trent, immediately gets to his feet, and does that little hop in place to regain 100% of his HP and start throwing V-Triggers. Infuriating. Undertaker could throw Kenny Omega off the top of Hell in Cell and Kenny would hit the ground, roll up to his feet, hop in place with his hands posed, and knee Undertaker in the face 20 feet in the air.
That aside — and I complained about Omega not being treated like the “best bout machine” when AEW started, so I guess I’m getting what I asked for, for better or worse — Omega vs. Trent is another one of those very good Trent matches that almost transforms him into a viable singles threat who seriously needs to get away from his jokey pals for the sake of his career. It’s also a great effort to play with AEW’s time limit draw, as they pull a Bryan Danielson vs. Roderick Strong from ROH and convince you it’s going the distance only to pull back and end it in the final minute. Usually in wrestling you only pay attention to those “FIVE MINUTES REMAINING IN THE MATCH, FIVE MINUTES” notices if they need you to notice the time limit. Introducing them and giving us a finish anyway creates some believable options for the next time you want to go to a draw, but maintain the drama in the final stretch. Good decision there.
I should also mention that terrifying German suplex off the ropes Trent tries to do but slips, can’t quite get his bearings, and dumps Kenny on his neck. Kenny landed like this. But don’t worry, within 40 seconds Kenny’s using only his neck to lift Trent up for the One-Winged Angel. Best bouts!
Also Mostly In: Blue Jayy
Not much going on in the women’s division this week — stop me if you’ve heard this one before — but we do get a match between Hikaru Shida and jobber of the week Anna Jayy. If you’ve never seen her before, Jayy has too many extraneous letters in her last name a la NWA Powerrr, Chippendales-style wrist cuffs, and a Fantastics-style bow tie. A tie and cuffs with no shirt officially makes her the most Hanna Barbera competitor on the AEW roster. She also advertises herself as, “the star of the show,” so think of her as Domestic Nina Samuels.
Jayy gets more offense than you’d expect(t), but it’s still a relatively easy win for Shida as they continue to … maybe build her up as Nyla Rose’s next challenger? It’s been a hot minute since the women’s division had any stories other than “a match has been scheduled” and “Britt Baker’s being mean to Tony Schiavone.” Britt’s actually the highlight here too, I think, as she hangs out behind the security banner and eats a sandwich because the match is boring. Cody refers to her as Tony Schiavone’s “mirror universe wife,” which makes me hope there’s some reality where Tony has long hair and runs the Undisputed Era.
All In: Lance Archer Versus [Checks Notes] MARKO STUNT?
- This is Archer’s AEW in-ring debut and he’s still using ‘Everybody Dies’ as his entrance theme, meaning he’s immediately in the top 5 for best themes behind Chris Jericho and probably Faboo Andre
- he’s also still randomly assaulting people on his way to the ring, which is going to get over huge once they start doing it in actual arenas in front of actual fans, and don’t have to throw some rando Red Shirt out there to get shoved and put into a coma
- I’m happy they’ve found a way to keep Jake Roberts on the show and cutting promos without endangering his health
- Archer’s opponent is Marko Stunt in what’s officially the most unfair wrestling match of all time, at least until Riho gets booked against Brock Lesnar
- Cody’s got blood on his hands for refusing to face Archer here and instead volunteering a literal child in his place. Marko Stunt wrestling Lance Archer is like a squirrel in the middle of the street wrestling a semi truck
- RIP Marko Stunt, 1996-2020
Colt Cabana sits in on commentary ahead of his first round TNT Championship tournament match-up against Archer and declares, “I will use my comedy, I will use my humor, I will use it all to gain a victory!” There’s also a six-foot deep rectangular hole somebody dug into the earth you’ll be able to use, Colt.
All In: AEW Goes To The Dogs
Firstly, it’s good to see Nightmare Family mascot and philanthropic humanitarian Pharaoh back on the program looking happy and staying very far away from the fireworks. By just gently poking his snoot into the microphone he’s already better on commentary than Sam Roberts.
I didn’t think Chris Jericho and Damascus would be able to top last week’s truly absurd closing segment so quickly, but here we are. I honestly think the only way I can do it justice is by telling you what happened.
Chris Jericho is once again at his home, in the hot tub, in jeans, drinking A Little Bit Of The Bubbly. He has fun shitting on The Elite by saying April Fool’s Day is meant to honor them, then talks about Nick Jackson’s bebe and how he should stay at home for the next two years on “maternity leave” and hire his “deadbeat brother Matt” to mow his lawn. It’s at about this time Vanguard-1 flies in (to “Parts Unknown,” according to his HUD). I want to note how appreciative I am that they explained how Jericho sent in footage and Hardy sent in footage, and the AEW production team put them together. In all seriousness, even if it’s total bullshit, take a second to mention things like why a camera is somewhere, or why a referee is suddenly somewhere, or how a seemingly live event has multiple camera angles. It matters to anybody thinking about it on a level deeper than pointing and clapping at the baby in the sun on Teletubbies.
Anyway, Jericho once again offers Matt Hardy’s sentient drone a spot in the Inner Circle and offers it a CHILDREN’S T-SHIRT ON A TINY HANGER to seal the deal. Honestly at this point I want Vanguard to swerve Matt at some point and join them. Jericho offers the inanimate object a “handshake” in the form of an “elbow-to-propeller” bash, but Vanguard flies away. Jericho, pissed about being turned down by a flying camera for the second week in row, chases after and lobs a bottle of sparking wine at it. It’s at this point he screams RELEASE THE HOUNDS, and we find out “the hounds” are a group of the smallest, cutest, and least threatening dogs imaginable.
I am forever grateful that someone at All Elite Wrestling decided to gently place heel Chris Jericho into Matt Hardy’s Broken Universe. I want this feud to continue in increasingly goofy on-location vignettes until there’s enough lore to fill a George R.R. Martin book. Also, somebody identify and tell me the personalities of all these doggos.
All In: I Tournament To Do That
After another “Brodie Lee is Vince McMahon, wink wink, nudge nudge” video, The Natural Nightmares make their Dynamite debut against, I am not kidding, “Dark Order member 8” and “Dark Order member 9.” Here’s what they look like:
I can’t tell you how excited I am to see nondescript masked men make their return to enhancement duty. BRING BACK THUNDERFOOT. They get their asses kicked, of course, and it looks like we’re either getting a Natural Nightmares vs. Important Characters From The Dark Order feud, or at least providing a reason why Dustin Rhodes might lose to Kip Sabian in the first round of the TNT Championship tournament.
My only complaint here is that Number 8 and Number 9 don’t work for the Monarch of Manliness. I wonder if one of them drives a Nissan Stanza?
Similarly, another Rhodes match is used to set up some tournament interaction this week as Cody teams up with his frenemy Darby Allin to face Sammy Guevara and Shawn Spears. Darby’s the star here, as he usually ends up being, playing Ricky Morton in jorts and leggings and dropping Coffins off the tops of support poles in the Undisclosed Arena. Brother’s just bonkers every time he’s on television.
After about 21 minutes of very good tag team wrestling (and Britt Baker attacking Cody with the WOMAN’S SHOE, the only weapon in pro wrestling deadlier than the Clangy Poles), Sammy introduces a chair and gives it to Spears, who once again aims to turn Cody’s brains into figgy pudding. Darby pulls the chair away from Spears before he can swing it, but Sammy pulls the chair away from HIM, and that allows Spears to roll him up for the three. Darby, rightfully pissed that he did most of the work and made an important save but still got duked in a total 2-on-1 situation, forearms Cody in the face. I mean, I get it.
Now we’ve got addeed drama between Cody and Shawn Spears for their first round match in the tournament because of the attempted chair shot, added drama between Guevara and Allin because of the way the finish went down, AND added drama between Cody and Darby for a possible second round match. Outstandingly utilitarian and purposeful for an empty arena tag match. I’m used to those just kind of happening to justify promos from the top of the show.
All In: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Put Jericho in the wrestling hall of fame & then put him in again
I do not care what anyone says. I don’t care what happens. I have no idea what will happen in AEW’s future. Or even what will happen in Wrestling’s future. Chris Jericho chasing a drone and angrily cursing it has made it all worth it.
Dustin better pin both at once. Everyone knows you have to stand on 17.
Dave M J
The perfect woman doesn’t exi-
Cody: (Shida) has all the Zelda knowledge in the world
Dexter Lumis looks like a guy who is gonna have to apologize for old social media posts
COLT: That’s not gonna happen to me when I face Archer.
Jericho pours a glass of champagne….and then takes a swig out of the bottle. WHAT A HEEL!
No “Holy Shit” chant? These fans are the worst.
Don’t call Cody Joe Exotic. Joe has better tattoos
Stay safe everyone, I’ll talk to you all again …………………………………………..
…………………. next Wednesday night!
Finally, I’m not particularly engaged in the OH NO WILL THE YOUNG BUCKS EVER WRESTLE AGAIN AFTER ONE OF THEM GOT STUCK IN A LOADING BAY DOOR story or the Jon Moxley vs. Jake Hager rivalry, but I AM engaged in the idea that Moxley and Hager have “listened to the Jerky Boys for hours on end” with each other. I didn’t know that before, but I feel like I’ve always known it, you know? AEW’s next podcast needs to be Hager and Moxley talking about old Jerky Boys bits. Also, I totally believe it when Hager says, “I’m not here for fans to go home happy.” I know, man, I’ve seen your matches.
That does it for this week’s column. Thanks for reading about Dynamite! If you’re able to leave us a comment below, give the column a share on social media, and make sure you’re back here next week. Oh, and make sure you’re reading about Dark, because again, FABOO ANDRE, YOU GUYS.
See you next Wednesday, unless there’s something happening this weekend we’re supposed to be watching.