Michigan garage rockers Dogleg just released their debut record Melee, a nod to the popular Super Smash Bros. video game. The group previously debuted visuals to their unrestrained tracks “Kawasaki Backflip” and “Fox.” Now, the band returns with a clever visual to accompany the revved-up number “Wartortle.”

According to a press statement, the boisterous video was filmed “mere hours before the governor of Michigan declared a statewide, shelter-in-place lockdown.” A parody of the cult-classic film Clerks, the visual opens with vocalist Alex Stoitsiadis playing the lead character Dante. Stoitsiadis gets a call from his convenience store, asking him to come in on his day off. Begrudgingly, Stoitsiadis obliges. The black-and-white visual cuts between Stoitsiadis and other members recreating scenes from Clerk while also shredding on the store’s rooftop.

While Dogleg put on equally energetic live shows, they also offer fans a challenge before they get on stage. Anyone who can beat bassist Chase Macinski in a round of Super Smash Bros. Melee gets to walk away with free merch. To this day, despite the fact that they have played hundreds of shows and many fans have challenged Macinksi, only a few were able to claim victory.

Watch Dogleg’s “Wartortle” video above.

Melee is out now via Triple Crown Records. Get it here.

When Patrick Patterson decided to sign with the Los Angeles Clippers this offseason, he, like many Angeleno transplants, had more than basketball in mind. The 31-year-old NBA journeyman was trying to plant the seeds of what might become his second act, turning a production company from a far-off dream to reality. Now, with the NBA season on pause amidst an epic Clipper season, Patterson finds himself unable to leave his home in the heart of the entertainment business.

Though Patterson can’t take the types of meetings with Hollywood power brokers right now that he might typically, he’s using the prolonged shutdown of the NBA to put more time into writing his next chapter. That doesn’t just mean Zoom calls and diary-keeping — Patterson is bringing fans into the experience, taking the movie screenings he has become known for among local fans to the internet.

Through Netflix’s virtual screening room, Netflix Party, Patterson has hosted two events, with the third coming on Friday at 9 p.m. ET. To choose the film, Patterson logs into Netflix and scrolls through the pages for his favorite genres — thriller and suspense — until he finds a few films with good reviews and a recognizable cast. Then, he lets fans vote to determine the final selection.

Throughout the movie, Patterson interacts with fans about the movie and life as a basketball player.

“I’ll keep them engaged and ask them questions about the movie, but then I give them free rein to ask about anything,” Patterson told me over the phone earlier this week. “People (ask) about my tenure in OKC, Toronto, talk about the season, the situation going on right now, teammates.”

These questions go far beyond basketball, too. At one point, he was asked his favorite Oreo — he’s a fan of the “OG original double stuf with vanilla” — and while those sorts of questions are silly on the surface, Patterson cherishes them.

“It’s random stuff we talk about, which is why I like the engagement factor,” he says.

The virtual film club led him to Good Time, the Safdie Brothers’ thunderous breakout starring Robert Pattinson. Though Patterson insists the selection was random — “I probably would have never watched the movie if not for the situation that we’re going through right now,” he says — the Safdies inserted themselves into the NBA conversation last fall with the release of Uncut Gems, which centered around Kevin Garnett and a gem salesman played by Adam Sandler whose reckless wagering on the 2012 NBA Playoffs led to him getting into a world of trouble.

Garnett is just one athlete venturing into Hollywood. While that list features guys like LeBron James rebooting Space Jam and starting SpringHill Entertainment, it’s not an endeavor limited to those who are able to take on projects that large. The way Patterson sees it, the entertainment industry is the latest obsession around the league.

“All these guys in the NBA have become wine connoisseurs going to Napa or wherever else and learning about wine and grapes and where they come, how to make it, how to taste it,” Patterson says. “Now, it’s athletes being more involved with movies, whether it’s acting, creating, writing or trying to start up their own companies.”

Asked who’s interested in the creative side that fans might not expect, Patterson points to teammate Paul George, who is more known for his work in the southern California community than for acting or creating. But George is just one of many who Patterson sees looking into Hollywood as an appealing business away from basketball. Athletes in movies is nothing new, but Patterson sees more high-profile hoopers looking into the creative side to tell their own stories.

“At the end of the day, all NBA guys are movie people as far as watching movies,” says Patterson. “There are X amount that want to be in front of the camera (with) their attitude, their demeanor, their likability. They can do the crossover. Then there are guys who want to create, who actually want to go into some type of film-making, writing, producing. Whether it’s movies, TV, animation, there are a handful of guys in the league who are interested in pursuing that.”

With time to dwell on the movie business, Patterson believes virtual screenings from companies like Netflix represent a pathway for theaters. With the closure of movie theaters and film festivals, transitioning to a virtual setup could allow content to make its way to audiences more quickly, especially if the pandemic jeopardizes gatherings into the fall. He imagines an AMC or Cineplex app with showtimes and virtual ticket stubs, which would allow studios to reclaim lost revenue while creating a more communal experience through social media. If everyone’s watching the same movie at once, it’s sort of the best of both worlds.

Before theaters across the country shuttered to encourage social distancing, Patterson was able to catch a showing of The Gentlemen, a pulpy action jaunt not unlike Good Time. Other 2020 favorites include the horror remake Invisible Man, as well as Bad Boys 4 Life, which Patterson says took entirely too long to put together but was still “solid.”

The recent alone time and bingeing of new movies and TV series has served as inspiration for Patterson as he thinks about what his first projects might look like.

“(We’re) using this time to write, so every single day, writing down ideas, writing down stories, things that could be adapted into screenplays and movies or even a TV show, whatever it may be,” Patterson says. “Right now, just taking this time to focus on life after basketball, creating the business, and hopefully when everything’s good, start creating and putting that out there for the world to see.”

Of course, the NBA season is still in flux. He may have to jump back into the daily routine of the season at a moment’s notice. He sees the daily updates like everyone else, but hasn’t heard a plan that he feels checks all the right boxes. In particular, he’s not on board with the idea of being separated from his loved ones in any kind of bubble league.

“It doesn’t have to be an individual athlete’s wife, kids, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents,” Patterson explains. “It doesn’t have to be that drastic, it could just be you get four tickets and that’s it, but I definitely would not want to play without the important people in my life in that arena, which is my wife and my parents, and her parents as well.”

With safety far from guaranteed right now, thinking about basketball seems strange. Trapped in a haven of creativity with nothing to do but watch and think, Patterson’s mind has opened to the possibilities of the future and the limitations of our current reality. The future seems clearer now, but the present is as cloudy as ever.

For nearly a month, Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem, and Madness has been the most-watched title on Netflix. Not most-watched title about large cats or most-watched Lisa Frank inspiration — most watched, period. The seven-part documentary (plus a recent special) ranked at the top of the streaming service’s Top 10 list for a record 25 straight days. But it has finally been usurped by some banana-loving tiny, yellow rascals.

The Wrap reports that the “docuseries had its 25-day streak at No. 1 on the streaming service’s daily rankings of all its available movies and TV shows in the U.S. snapped by Despicable Me.” Tiger King is still in second place, but why Gru and the Minions? And why now? I can answer the latter: there’s a lot of fed-up parents who are happy to plop their children in front of a screen (not a judgement), and they can only stomach so many episodes of The Boss Baby: Back in Business. As for why the Minions:

Now that’s something everyone can enjoy. Following Despicable Me and Tiger King, the rest of the top-10 goes Outer Banks, Ozark, The Innocence Files, something called Code 8 (???), All American, Money Heist, Chris D’Elia: No Pain, and The Big Show Show. Expect the intentionally-trashy Too Hot to Handle to dominate for the next month.

(Via the Wrap)

Everyone’s life has a Luke Skywalker moment – when something completely unexpected happens that hurls you from the life you knew into one you didn’t think was possible, and you take your first step into a larger world.

For me, it came in December 2002, when a friend told me about a job he had been interviewing for, but which he decided he couldn’t take. He and his wife were moving back to their hometown, and he thought I would be perfect for the role. He submitted my resume; I got a call the next day, a week after that I was interviewing, and five days later I got an offer to join Lucasfilm Ltd., initially to manage international publicity and ultimately to work as director of entertainment publicity.

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Star Wars had already been one of the defining moments of my childhood (including my own 10-minute-long, Super 8 “remake”), now it was going to change my adult life. For six years, I made my professional home at Lucasfilm, and had the enormously good fortune to spend time with George Lucas, who entertained questions from journalists, fans, researchers and employees with unmatched patience and genuine interest.

As we all worked on the production and release of what we assumed was the final Star Wars film – Episode III Revenge of the Sith – I listened to many discussions of the origins and ideas behind Star Wars. Eventually, I came to think of Star Wars movies less as entertainment and more as work, and I spent a not-insignificant amount of time defending the Star Wars prequels. On the day I left Lucasfilm, a TV producer I know joked, “Now you don’t have to keep insisting that those movies are good anymore.”

I never really had to insist on that, and always did believe it. But once I left Lucasfilm in 2009, I never watched any of the first six Star Wars films from start to finish. The stay-at-home world of coronavirus changed that, and I allowed myself to watch Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace … and discovered that I appreciated it more than I ever thought possible.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace – Trailer

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When it was released in 1999, I saw The Phantom Menace a half-dozen times in theaters and was bemused by each screening. Since 1977, I had only occasionally wondered what the “war” in Star Wars was all about, and why an intergalactic civil war had raged. The Phantom Menace promised an explanation, and gave one – but it wasn’t at all what anyone expected: Princess Leia had stolen secret plans, Darth Vader had killed Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker had blown up the Death Star, Yoda had trained Luke, Han had been frozen in carbonite, all because trade routes were unfairly taxed?

That sense of disbelief was long-lasting, and by the time I started working at Lucasfilm four years after The Phantom Menace was released, it hadn’t abated. The questions of Episode I loomed over everything we did, and were still on my mind when I re-watched The Phantom Menace through different eyes.

It was impossible not to hear the mildly exasperated chuckle in George Lucas’s voice whenever he answered questions about what it all meant. He always maintained a patient insistence that it had not a mistake to tell the world that the roots of Star Wars were indeed in political bureaucracy and microscopic organisms.

To watch Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace again is to realize a truth: George Lucas was absolutely right to do it the way he did. When given complete artistic freedom (he was spending his own money, after all) to tell the Star Wars story he wanted to tell, he remained true to his extraordinary vision a mythology rooted in the foibles and imperfections of our own world.

Director Jim Henson (left) and Lucas working on Labyrinth in 1986

The Phantom Menace is a film stuffed – perhaps overstuffed – with ideas, so many that it is hard to keep up with them. If it is far from a perfect film, with stilted dialogue and sometimes uncomfortable acting, it is never a dull or boring movie. And as arcane as “the taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems” may seem, the origins of all wars – even the unbelievable one we’re in now, which began not with a bat or pangolin, but with bureaucratic, political decisions that stretch back years.

Mundane actions have massive consequences, and The Phantom Menace still surprises by looking at some of those actions closely. Even the opening scene, with its discussion of blockades, negotiations, ambassadors and senators stands in opposition to the slam-bang openings of the first three Star Wars movies.

The first half of The Phantom Menace can seem drawn out and dry, yet Lucas’s script is doing much more than simply setting up the action that will lead to the discovery of Anakin Skywalker. It’s also establishing a complicated world view, one in which politics as a whole is not to be trusted, but is the only imperfect option for getting anything done (sound familiar?).

Bear in mind that within the first couple of minutes of the original Star Wars, we’ve already learned about a civil war, an Imperial senate, and, a bit later, an “Old Republic.” While he could have chosen a more action-oriented, mindless backstory, George Lucas uses The Phantom Menace to begin showing how that republic became an empire, how a politician became a tyrant, and how the senate allowed it all to happen.

In that regard, The Phantom Menace is a more consequential and intriguing film than any of the most recent sequels. It’s also pointedly, proudly a George Lucas film. Its sprawling story, which is always splitting its time between two or three different plot lines, bears much more resemblance to Lucas’s earliest features – THX-1138 and American Graffiti – than any of the Star Wars films Lucas didn’t direct. Watching The Phantom Menace, it’s easy to see Lucas’s love of the craft of moviemaking come to the fore.

DARTH MAUL – Complete Lightsaber Fight – Star Wars : The Phantom Menace

www.youtube.com

The Phantom Menace is equally a rumination on the cultural significance of mythology – when Anakin Skywalker’s mother Shmi struggles to explain what she means about her son’s conception and birth the film is also observing how the mythology of cultures around the globe share the same underpinnings. If Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope found inspiration in Joseph Campbell’s ideas of comparative mythology, The Phantom Menace is a master’s thesis in the teachings.

One of its most central ideas is one of the concepts most derided by fans: midichlorians. With the benefit of having heard George Lucas talk over and over about the concept of an underlying physical connection with the Force, I’ve come to think of midichlorians as the most intriguing aspect of the entire Star Wars saga. They are destiny made manifest, a bold attempt to explain why some people, given the same opportunities, passions and training, achieve more than others. They do not undermine the concept of the Force, but help explain why not everyone becomes a hero.

Star Wars: Phantom Menace – What Are Midichlorians (Movie Clip)

www.youtube.com

Thy also speak to a concept that George Lucas would bring up over and over: the ubiquity of myths. For some reason, people around the world, separated by time and distance, have developed similar myths. Their stories and their religions bear remarkable resemblance to each other. Could it be something within us that motivates these beliefs?

Ultimately, The Phantom Menace becomes a rousing action film, though never a straightforward one. To get us to its final 45 minutes, Lucas concocted a story filled with switches and reverses, betrayals and false allies. It all leads to a grand finale in which at least four different battles are happening simultaneously. Lucas’ skill as a filmmaker ensures we always know where we are throughout this massive conclusion, even if we aren’t entirely sure of the ever-changing identity of one core character.

Though its midichlorian-induced hangover effect put fans on the defensive for years, a rewatch of The Phantom Menace proves the furor over the film may have been overdone. The more you watch The Phantom Menace, and the more you look at how it’s put together, listen to its dialogue and even its music, the more you realize that it has a great deal to say – not just about Star Wars but about our endless need for stories that help us make sense of a non-sensical world.

John Singh is a writer and entertainment-industry veteran who began his career as a newspaper journalist and has also worked at Disney, Lucasfilm Ltd., DreamWorks Animation and on a variety of films and TV series.

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After leaving Fifth Harmony behind in 2018, Lauren Jauregui is finally ready to make it as a solo artist. Jauregui spent the majority of 2019 in the studio and she has now begun to steadily release new music. Kicking off her new era with the steamy, dance-ready track “Lento,” Jauregui returns with a different direction on the silky number “50ft.”

With “50ft.,” Jauregui warns those around her that she’s not one to put up with negativity. If she does encounter toxic behavior, she needs to give herself at least a 50-foot barrier from the drama. “Push a negative to the side / So it’s not in front of my eyes / Outta sight outta mind / I need more than 50 feet,” she croons.

The hazy video accompanying “50ft.” exhibits the track’s fluid nature. Directed by Inyegumena Nosegbe and Jauregui herself, the visual cuts between pastel clips of Jauregui spending time at home with her family and out on the town with friends. Filmed in December (ahead of the pandemic), the singer showcases her favorite activities like driving around in a Jeep with the windows down or linking up with her besties to grab some hot food at the local corner store.

Watch Jauregui’s “50ft.” video above.

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Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: Mark Henry got spanked by his mom because the woman he’d been stalking and harassing for several months tricked him into touching a cross-dresser’s penis. Man, don’t you miss the Attitude Era? Back when wresting was real.

If you haven’t seen this pay-per-view, you can watch it on WWE Network here. Check out all the episodes of classic Raw you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.

Hey, you! If you want us to keep doing retro reports, share them around! And be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of these shows. Head back to a time long forgotten when WWE TV was fun to watch, and things happened!

And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Royal Rumble 1999.

Best: Mr. McMahon Lets Us Know How Much Of A Chance We Have

The 1999 Royal Rumble is a real shit-show, so let’s start off with Sunday Night Heat and the night’s most historically relevant moment: the debut of ‘No Chance In Hell,’ high-key the greatest entrance song in wrestling history (don’t @ me), for Vince McMahon. Technically the show is called WWF ROYAL RUMBLE: NO CHANCE IN HELL so Jim Johnston and Peter Bursuker’s corporate club banger is only the theme song for the pay-per-view, but 20 years later its as synonymous with Mr. McMahon as silly power walks and boxy suits you lifted from a passing gorilla.

Not The Best: Mr. McMahon’s Plans

McMahon and Son (and the Stooges) open Heat with a twofold plan to escape the evening:

• keep Stone Cold Steve Austin out of the Royal Rumble by closing up the performer parking lot behind the arena, and hoping he’s too stupid to like, park his truck in a normal parking lot and walk a short distance
• put Mankind in a “warm-up” bout on Heat against a mystery opponent to soften him up for the WWF Championship “I Quit” match against the Rock later in the night (spoiler: trust us, The Rock does all the “softening” here, in the worst definition of that word)

Let’s start with “trying to stop Stone Cold Steve Austin from doing something while he’s behind the wheel of a large vehicle,” which is, “start a bonfire between the pumps at a gas station,” levels of short-sighted. Austin pulls up in his truck and tries to park but gets waved away, with the attendant informing him it’s, “VIP parking, limousines only!” The lot is barricaded up like it’s Les Misérables, so Austin, being Austin, finds a limousine. A monster truck limousine, SOMEHOW, which he uses to … well, monster truck his way in. Is that what driving a monster truck over something is called?

My only criticisms here are that Vince McMahon didn’t also have a Corporate Monster Truck, that they did not have a sumo battle on the roof of Arrowhead Pond, and that it didn’t end with Vince falling off the roof to his death before completely recovering and returning to the ring to win the Royal Rumble.

This is Mankind’s “mystery opponent.” What a mystery, right? There have been so many 6-foot-9, 500-pound black guys in WWE history, it’s hard to narrow it down. It’s either Mabel from Men on a Mission, or … [checks notes] Mark Henry put on 250 pounds and had a half-a-foot growth spurt at age 27? Kamala ate an everlasting gobstopper before he stepped out of the limo?

No one took into account that aside from that one King of the Ring win, Mabel’s WWE career was dedicated to being the world’s largest and most physically threatening looking jobber. Even here, when he’s brought in as a Corporate hit man, he’s unmasked and losing so badly five minutes in that The Rock has to run out and get him disqualified. So to recap, they tried to keep Stone Cold Steve Austin out of a parking lot by assuming he didn’t have the Grand Theft Auto cheat codes to materialize a monster truck limo out of thin air, and they tried to soften up Mankind with the softest dude they could find.

One important note: during a pre-match promo, Mankind insists that he’ll make The Rock say …

On commentary, Corporate booster club President Shane McMahon is suspiciously like, “thank you very much for those KIND WORDS, Mick,” and nobody gives it a second thought. I guess, “thanks for speaking very clearly into the microphone there, Mick, if an impossibly strong 6-foot-5 man with an uncontrollable blood lust hitting your brains as hard as humanly possible with a steel chair 11 times doesn’t work, our access to this audio will come in handy,” would’ve been too obvious.

Worst: A Huge Undertaking, Part One

It’s with the sudden reappearance of Mabel, of all people, that we should mention The Undertaker, who shows up on Heat dressed like a sarcastic Amish boxer to remind us that another ritual sacrifice will happen during the Royal Rumble. You’d think somebody would, I don’t know, call the cops on their co-workers for kidnapping and torturing people on-screen to brainwash them into joining his Satantic blood cult, but hilariously that has an actual, in-universe storyline reason for not happening. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Undertaker’s appearance is prefaced by Bradshaw, Faarooq, and Clothed Mideon ruining the end of a Job Squad versus Too Much match, as much as that’s possible. They really missed the boat not giving Brian Christopher and Scott Taylor gay occult gimmicks. Sunday Night Heat would’ve turned into an Anne Rice novel like [snaps]. Of note, this is Scorpio’s very last major appearance in WWE aside from two Shotgun Saturday Night appearances until December of 2007, when he shows up in a battle royal on the 15th Anniversary Raw.

Will She Be Sable To Compete??

One of the funniest attempts at storytelling for the entire event is the video package for Sable vs. Luna Vachon, wherein WWE’s obsession with revisionist history decides that Luna “looked upon Sable as a role model.” Yes, Luna Vachon, who debuted in 1985 and is the daughter of Butcher Vachon and the niece of Vivian and Mad Dog Vachon, looked upon L’Oréal model and 10-month in-ring veteran Sable as her wrestling role model.

Here, Luna interrupts a Sable interview with a run-in so non-threatening you have to see it to believe it, and Sable uses her world class athleticism to just kind of fall over and die. Luna adds 0.001% more damage by pawing at Sable’s back like she’s trying to unlace her corset. Luna just really, really, really works the back. Sable’s back is so hurt I don’t think she’s gonna be able to compete.

Anyway, a fun aside to the 1999 Royal Rumble is that this is the show Barry Blaustein is at, shooting footage for what will become Beyond the Mat. It’s fun to go back and see all the stuff that’s produced in the ring based on what we see happening backstage.

Pfft, like I’d ever think that.

You’ll be shocked to read this, I know, but despite her back being really, really, really worked, Sable is able to compete. It’s a strap match, the one where you have to physically drag your opponent around the ring and touch all four corners without your momentum being broken, so you know it’s got the only finish those matches ever have: one person dominantly dragging their opponent to three corners, but not noticing their opponent has touched the corners, too. Then a little fight breaks out, and despite the fact that “broken momentum” is supposed to reset the count (and the fact that being led around in a circle is the opposite of “momentum” and the background corner touches shouldn’t count unless you’re in control), the person being dragged touches the fourth corner before the dragger and wins. It’s exactly as clumsy as my paragraph attempting to explain it.

Sable and Luna do that, with the bonus of Luna only being stopped at the very end by interference from Sable superfan and Ron Perlman’s stunt double on Beauty and the Beast, “Tori.” I can’t believe Luna’s childhood role model would cheat to win like that.

Worst: D-Generation X And The Under-card Of Doom

What does the phrase, “strongest recommendation to avoid,” mean to you?

The only things most people remember from this pay-per-view are the Rumble match itself (mostly for bad reasons) and Foley and The Rock doing “I Quit” (for much worse reasons). What you may not remember is that D-Generation X is responsible for the entire non-Sable-related under-card, and it’s about as bland and uneventful as WWF wrestling could get in 1999.

• Up first is Road Dogg vs. Big Boss Man, and nobody knows what the hell’s going on. It’s not supposed to be for the Hardcore Championship or contested under hardcore rules, but the referee holds up the belt before the match anyway. They start off pretty strong regardless, but it goes 12 minutes for some reason and is … okay, you know how in a battle royal when two wrestlers aren’t the focus of whatever’s going on, and you can see them in the background just kind of aimlessly punching and humping each other into the ropes and corners? It’s that, but a singles match. For 12 minutes.
• After that we’ve got the Intercontinental Championship match between Ken Shamrock and Bill Ass, which was apparently supposed to be Gunn’s coronation as the next big superstar but was curbed due to (according to Wade Keller) Gunn partying all night and showing up to work hungover. So Shamrock just kicks his ass and wins clean with the ankle lock in an astonishing 15 minutes of boring, heartless Billy Gunn action you’d have fast forwarded on Raw. Like watching paint dry on a snail’s ass.
• The best of the matches is a random European Championship defense for X-Pac against Gangrel, but even that’s marred by a botched finish. Pac comes off the top with a cross-body. Gangrel rolls through, and referee Teddy Long clearly counts X-Pac’s shoulders down for three. Everybody in the crowd is like “…??? LOL what,” and the wrestlers more or less abandon hope and go straight to the finish. This got roughly a third of the time as the other two matches.

And then the Sable and Luna strap match. I only recommend this pay-per-view for anthropological purposes, or as a cautionary tale of how not to use collapsible furniture. I guess we might as well go ahead and get to that.

Worst: The 11 Chair Shots Heard ‘Round The World

If you watch WWE YouTube’s revisionist history of this match, you’ll see Mankind “falling” out of the stands and dropping an elbow onto some electrical equipment in a very safe attempt to evoke his fall at King of the Ring ’98. Special effects sparks fly, and The Rock squats over Mankind’s unconscious body and jams a microphone into his face. Audio of Mankind screaming, “I quit,” over and over from Sunday Night Heat is played over the speakers, and Mankind “quits” via manipulative audio technicality and loses the championship. It’s a good finish to a heated match if you, like the World Wrestling Federation’s dueling Vinces, are still obsessed with Survivor Series ’97 and can’t stop riffing on it.

What the YouTube version leaves out is everything between the fall and the finish, a borderline televised manslaughter which goes down as maybe the most brutal stretch of pro wrestling violence to ever happen on a big stage in a big league wrestling promotion. It is horror.

Mankind’s not finished, so Rock drags him back to the ring and handcuffs his arms behind his back. Around this point is when you should start getting deeply concerned. Mankind fights back with some kicks and a big funny headbutt to the groin, but Rock’s ultimately able to regain the advantage and hit a chair-assisted People’s Elbow. Rock wants Mankind to quit. Mankind: “Go to Hell, Rock.” The Rock’s response? “The Rock may go to Hell, but your candy ass first.”

And then he makes good on the threat.

Mankind stumbles to his feet, so The Rock — again, a very large, very strong young man who has already shown he can swing a steel chair with murderous intent and cruel precision — blasts him in the face with a full force, completely unprotected chair shot. Mankind crumbles to his knees, so Rock gives him another. Rock tells him to quit. Mankind’s response: “Kill me.” Right around here is when your deep concern should turn to flashing red lights.

Rock responds with three more full-on unprotected chair shots to the head to put Foley down. Foley’s bleeding from the face, badly. This is where the match should end. This is where it’s supposed to end, depending on who you talk to, but instead of staying down, an already concussed Mankind rolls out of the ring and tries to stagger away. Rock follows him to the floor and hits another chair shot to the head. And another. And ANOTHER. Foley falls to the ground in a heap and has no goddamn idea where he is. His wife and young children are in the crowd in hysterics. His face looks like a pizza without the cheese. Somehow THIS is where the two worst swings occur.

“I don’t feel like such a good dad anymore.”

The one that bothers me the most 20 years later is this one. Mankind gets to his feet and is very clearly giving his back to Rock. Rock refuses, waiting maliciously (at least in the moment) for another swing at Mick’s brains. Foley’s 10 chair shots in and tries to walk away. Instead of even repositioning and squaring up with the final swing, Rock just winds up and throws the hardest chair shot he’s ever given to the middle of the back of Mick’s head. That’s the killing blow.

This is Mankind lying in a rapidly collecting pool of blood. Not dramatic “show” blood that he used a little razor taped to his fingers to spurt from a little gash in his hairline. The thick, oozing blood that falls out of you when your brain is swelling and your body’s starting to shut down. Here, finally, Rock squats over him and they do the worked audio gimmick that, and I could be wrong here, did not need a homicide to set up.

According to various accounts of what went down, the truth of the matter seems to be that the original idea was for Foley to take a beating and ultimately quit to spare his family from watching him get completely and irreparably wrecked. They get Mick’s wife and kids in the front row, and Mick assumes that what they have planned won’t be any worse than the years of Cactus Jack-centric violence and punishment they’ve already seen. The idea is just a few chair shots with Rock putting the drama on Colette Foley between them. But the head of USA Network was going to be there and he’d been defending Raw’s content on press tours, so Foley decided to up the physicality and add more chair shots. The finish was changed from an emotional decision of a father and a husband to another “screwjob,” because THOSE got people talking. And somewhere amid all of this, they lose control of the finish. Foley won’t stay down. Rock wants to lead him up the ramp to do the piped-in “I quits” but Foley’s mid-concussions and stops being an active participant. Rock’s in the moment, and his testosterone is pumping, and he’s internally on fire. Children are crying. Five chair shots becomes eleven. Blood is everywhere. Film crews set up to shoot a moment and end up with something completely different.

The Rock didn’t apologize for the extra chair shots and didn’t check on Foley while he was being patchworked back to life, which caused a rift between the two. They worked it out, of course, and a lot of their best moments as a duo are still ahead of them. But the 1999 Royal Rumble “I Quit” match remains infamous as a reminder of what can happen when plans spiral wildly out of control, and the consequences that can have for not only the performers involved, but the people who care about them. It’s even harder to watch now that we know more about concussions and what they can do to a wrestler’s brain. Fascinating, unforgettable, and nauseating. One of the best matches all all time that I wish had never happened.

And Now, Stridex® And Vince Russo Present The 1999 Royal Rumble Match

The least important part of the 1999 Royal Rumble match is the Royal Rumble match.

It’s all about the “story” — the World Wrestling Federation makes movies, after all, they don’t confederate wrestling around the world or anything — to the point that anything happening in the ring is irrelevant. Which is a really odd thing to say about a match that’s supposed to have rules and take place entirely in a wrestling ring.

For an illustration of what I’m talking about, that’s an image of Stone Cold Steve Austin knocked out on the floor of the women’s restroom. So … all right, if you’ve been reading the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War column for the build to this, you know that Stone Cold Steve Austin is the number one entrant in the Rumble, and Vince McMahon is number two. Austin cares more about stomping a mud hole in Vince and walking it dry than winning, so the fight ends up going out of the ring and into the crowd, and then into the arena concourse. Austin and McMahon are the focus while dorks like Edge, Droz, and Gillberg hang out in the ring to technically “keep the match going.” Ultimately Austin is jumped by the Corporation and laid out in the aforementioned rest room, where he’s so badly beaten he has to be taken away on a stretcher and whisked away to the Local Medical Facility.

The ring starts filling up with guys like Dan Severn, Tiger Ali Singh, and The Blue Meanie. IMAGINE how good that is. The 11th entry is Mabel, fresh off his embarrassing disqualification loss debut as a Corporate henchman on Sunday Night Heat, and he starts clearing the ring. But remember that thing I told you to remember about the Undertaker and the whole “ritualistic sacrifice” thing?

Sure enough, The Undertaker shows up to make Mabel his next acolyte, meaning Mabel returned as a Corporate hench and turned into a GOTH hench in the span of a few hours. They attack him until he’s back in the parking lot, where they force him into the back of a hearse and drive off. As you may know, this begins Mable’s transformation into Viscera, as I guess Undertaker was in the back like, “hey Mideon, you know what would be funny? If we named the really fat guy after guts. Also, you know what would make Mabel a better wrestler? Putting him in white contact lenses so he can’t see, and dressing him in a big baggy trash bag that’s always about to fall off so he has to keep pulling it up.” During this whole thing, Road Dogg hangs out in the ring, not doing anything. This is the level of excitement we’re working with here, people.

If that’s not enough extracurricular Brothers of Destruction ballyhoo for you, Kane enters at number 18, following such luminaries as Al Snow and Kurrgan, and eliminates everyone until Mr. McMahon’s roving pack of local asylum orderlies hit the ring to get beaten up.

Kane, not wanting to be institutionalized again, eliminates himself and escapes out through the crowd.

Mr. McMahon returns to the ring and ends up sitting in on commentary (while still being an active participant), and is hits the EXAGGERATED UH OH GULP when Stone Cold Steve Austin returns driving the ambulance that’d taken him away. McMahon apparently forgot that Stone Cold regains 100% HP and gains a boost to all stats when he’s near a vehicle. It’s like letting Popeye eat a can of spinach.

Austin returns to the ring and has to fight through an army of Corporation guys and D-Generation X members who are willing to betray and eliminate him to claim the $100,000 Stone Cold elimination bonus. He’s able to survive Triple H, Owen Hart, Big Boss Man, and a few others, and eliminates Chyna only moments after she makes history by not only being the first woman to enter the men’s Rumble, but eliminate one of the men. Mark Henry, of course. Try not to accidentally touch any penises on the way to the ground!

The final two left in the ring are, you guessed it, Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vince McMahon. But as you know if you’ve been paying attention to the World Wrestling Federation’s very obvious tier chart, Austin versus The Rock is the match they want for WrestleMania. So The Rock shows up to cause a distraction, and despite this match being nothing BUT distractions, Austin still falls for it like a complete idiot, allowing Vincent Kennedy goddamn McMahon to dump him to the floor and win the Royal Rumble. That leaves us with Michael Cole shouting about how the WrestleMania XV main event is now The Rock vs. Mr. McMahon.

So!

That’s the 1999 Royal Rumble. It’s a “two match show,” where the two matches are more of a conversation than actual entertainment. The purposeful, built-up swerve of Survivor Series ’98 has already devolved into the endless “tell, don’t show” screwjob finishes WWE would try to end pay-per-views with for the next 20 years, where it’s all about the unexpected shock of the moment rather than anything that makes sense for the characters, keeps them consistently motivated, or helps their careers. Most of the roster’s just a backdrop for the main event players, who are currently under the thumb of the NPC Authority Figure as fools (Austin), victims (Foley), stooges (Rock), or cartoonish sideshows (Undertaker).

The good news is that Halftime Heat, St. Valentine’s Day Massacre: In Your House, and WrestleMania XV are coming up, and that they all help the company get back on its feet creatively after critically surprising themselves with Survivor Series and having no fucking clue what to do about it.

Tomorrow Night On Raw

The Rock has another “I Quit” match less than 24 hours after turning Mick Foley’s brain into Flubber, D’Lo Brown is forced to purchase tampons against his will, and Val Venis remakes a Whoopi Goldberg classic. All this and George ‘The Animal’ Steel in action — no, really — in the next Best and Worst of Raw ’99. Try not to scream about quitting into any microphones between now and then.

No one is happy about the fact that sports are on pause for the time being. It’s a necessity, of course, but that does not necessarily mean that people have to, you know, like it. The good news is the first games back are going to feel like a godsend, while the first normal season — regardless of when it will happen — is something every fan will appreciate a touch more than usual.

To take advantage of that and to raise cash for charities that can really need it right now, the folks at Fanatics are doing a gigantic fundraiser that gets people bidding on the chance to win major sports experiences. On Thursday, while we were looking for stuff to do, we learned about this and spent a solid 20 minutes going through some of the available things. That’s when it hit us: we should fantasy draft the best sports ones. (As a note, while this was suggested by someone who does not listen to All Fantasy Pod, that is a very good podcast, and you should listen to it.)

The rules: Our three names were dropped into a list randomizer I found on the internet. I then pressed the button 10 times and got the order used to draft. Regular snake draft rules apply. After going through 11 rounds, we noticed there was an entirely different page with stuff on it, so we broke this into two parts — for the sake of clarity, “Ultimate Miami Hurricanes Fan Experience” marks the beginning of our second half of drafting — and more information about every item can be found at the aforementioned links. While some are auctions and others are lotteries, we packaged them all together.

I believe that is everything. The entire draft was very silly, and we hope you enjoy it.

Bill: Ultimate sports fan experience

Let’s be clear: this includes two tickets and flights and hotels for everything (NBA Finals, Stanley Cup Finals, World Series, CFB national title, Daytona 500, Masters, U.S. Open, Final Four and national title game, the Olympics, along with a suite at the Super Bowl) and a $100,000 Fanatics gift card. Easy pick. The Zion Williamson of this draft.

Katie: Get drafted by an NBA Team in front of global audience

I picked this so I could face my greatest fear, which is when rookies get drafted by a team and they get the one size fits all hat of that team slapped on their head, only to have the first team confer with another team before the guy gets off the podium, not realizing he’s been traded as he thanks his family and shows the waiting commentator the special, custom lining of his suit jacket he had put in. Plus I love that spooky Halloween music they blast before every pick — to think it would be for my own ghoulish debut!

(Ed. note — this was something you could bid on, but it got taken off after we drafted. We are leaving it on, however, because it took us 2+ hours to do this and restarting from the second pick is hell.)

Robby: Golf at Pebble Beach with Justin Timberlake and Bill Murray

My entire draft strategy was to take cool experiences and do things with people that I find interesting or cool. As a golfer, this one’s pretty hard to top. It’s Pebble, it’s Bill Murray (and Justin Timberlake, but mostly Bill Murray) and, unlike some of the others, travel’s included.

R: The ultimate AI experience

Speaking of doing things with people I find cool, I can think of few things I’d rather do than spend a day with Allen Iverson. There are a lot of Sixers opportunities on the list, which makes sense since this was all brought together by co-owner Michael Rubin, but this should be at the top.

K: Design, call a play at Philadelphia Eagles preseason game

Can’t tell you I have the slightest clue about which direction these guys should run but we’re all gonna do this one I call THE FOREVER HUG on three! My breath would come out in a cold little puff, just like all the players on the field who I instructed to go “AWWW” in unison as soon as they gripped their opposing player and embraced him for a good long while. I’d be saying it quietly too into my coach’s headset.

B: Play HORSE and sit courtside for the Lakers with Magic Johnson

I was gunning for the AI one, so I am very upset I will not get to hang out with Allen Iverson. Instead, I will hang out with Magic Johnson because despite how his tenure went with the team, he seems lovely.

B: Texas football experience with Matthew McConaughey

Easy pick. Don’t need to explain, because it is hanging out with Matthew McConaughey at a Texas football game. Gonna move on now.

K: Assistant coach with Doc Rivers

Doc is really funny. He makes a lot of one liners sort of under his breath. It would be one of my life’s great pleasures to tell Steve Ballmer to mind his own business when he asked what we had cooking for tonight.

R: Mark Cuban, one day contract to play with the Mavs

I picked this because I really, really want to know how they are going to follow through on the promise of me getting subbed into the game to take a free throw. Do I get in the game and they have someone on the opposing team flagrantly foul me? Does someone fake an injury and then I am, naturally, the selection of the other team to take his foul shots? How does this work? I can’t wait to find out, and also become close personal friends with Luka Doncic.

R: Sit in draft war room with Allan Houston and the Knicks

A few things about this one. First, I love the disclaimer “legends subject to change” when it says you play HORSE with John Starks and Allan Houston. I hope they pull a switcheroo and I’m playing HORSE with Renaldo Balkman and Ronnie Turiaf. Second, there’s a non-zero chance I can parlay this into a high-paying front office role with the Knicks by convincing them to make a good pick for once. Third, if that doesn’t work, I could try starting a “Sell The Team” chant inside the war room and see who joins in. Sadly, travel is not included.

K: Throw out the first pitch at the next World Series

There’s nothing in the rules that says the first pitch at the World Series can’t be made two-handed with a basketball.

B: Sit in the LAFC owners box with Will Ferrell

LAFC is the most fun and exciting team in Major League Soccer and Ferrell is part of its ownership group. It seems like he is legitimately invested in LAFC being good and not the normal celeb owner who hopped on board with the club so he could have something to talk about with other celebs at their various celeb gatherings. Also, like every teen in the 00s, I quoted Anchorman a disturbing amount.

B: Batting lesson from A-Rod and take home his World Series trophy

I am a Yankee fan so my plan here is to attend this, really turn up my northern New Jersey, get Alex Rodriguez to become my best friend, and keep his World Series trophy forever because I share a Sunday gravy recipe with him.

K: Travel with the 49ers for an away game

Couldn’t tell you a single person on this team but what a thrill it will be to get to know them, their smells, on our private charter to take on whoever!

R: Giants game, Rao’s and workout with Saquon Barkley

Dinner at Rao’s would be incredible, and on top of that, it’d be hilarious trying to keep up with Saquon Barkley in a workout. My quads might explode.

R: Wine and dine at Villa Joe Montana

Another “travel not included” trip, but one of the things you get to do is take ATVs out to a bluff to have wine and hors d’oeuvres with Joe Montana and that sounds spectacular.

K: Glamping at Wrigley Field

Even though you have to pay for travel, I picked this so I could make a bonfire on the field and desecrate baseball.

B: Eli Manning’s 2011 Super Bowl MVP Corvette convertible

“Hi Bill.”

“Hi, Eli Manning.”

“Well, here’s my car, it’s yours now.”

“Thanks man.”

“Ok see ya later.”

B: Own Peter Guber’s 2015 Golden State Warriors championship ring

With this, I will officially have more rings than this version of the Houston Rockets. If you are a Rockets fan who is upset at this joke, I swear to god I enjoy your basketball team.

K: The Trae Young ATL Experience

I mostly picked this because the prize conditions explicitly state that Trae Young picks you up from the airport. So he pays for parking or he waits idling and you have to call him and be like, “Where are you? I’m at Domestic!” and he’s like, “Oh no! I went to International!” Then he drops you at your hotel and says, “Ok, nice to meet you, see you at the game later where we’ll continue this ATL Experience!”

R: Golf, Daytona ridealong with Denny and Bubba’s Richard Mille 39-01 Watch

There is nothing in here that says I can’t sell this wildly expensive watch — although the donation is already over $100,000 so likely not a ton of value coming back here. Still, again, I’m racking up golf all over the country and the Daytona ridealong could be fun or terrifying or both!

R: Ultimate fan experience with All-Star Joel Embiid and the Philadelphia 76ers

I guess I’m going back to more Sixers games to sit courtside. This is a value play because you get first-class flights to Philly and courtside tickets to two games, which, along with rebounding for Embiid, makes it a pretty cool package.

K: Be on the cover of Sports Illustrated

This came as a real upset in our draft, mainly that it was picked at all, but if I had any input on art direction I’m seeing a horse on the beach at dusk, P.J. Tucker is there, holding a beachcombing metal detector, and I’m sitting on the horse, and we’re all wearing one of Tucker’s big, soft felt bolero hats looking soberly into the surf.

B: Field passes for batting practice + dinner with Aaron Judge

Again, lifelong Yankee fan here. Will use the advice I gleaned from Alex Rodriguez and my time as a junior varsity baseball player as a high school sophomore to impress Aaron Judge, who will let me take batting practice based on my telling him I got lessons from A-Rod. I will then become a Yankee. This entire exercise is unhinged please let me enjoy this.

B: Golf and dinner with Peyton Manning in your hometown

Me and Peyton Manning are gonna go golf (which I am horrible at) in lovely Parsippany, New Jersey. There used to be a chicken restaurant called Cluck U there, I would have loved to take him. Instead, we will go to Fuddruckers. There also was a Moe’s and Moe’s is the best chain burrito place so maybe we’ll go there.

K: Candace Parker game-worn sneakers

She has great style. I have no idea where I would put them.

R: Chicago Cubs gameday experience with Anthony Rizzo

Again, we’re going for value here. This one comes with tickets behind the plate, suite access, dinner, and all kinds of other perks. Seems like a lovely trip to Chicago.

R: Coin toss at NY Giants game and dinner with Eli Manning

Apparently I’ll be going to a few Giants games, but at this point we didn’t know there were a ton of other things to pick from so I took the free trip to New York and what will surely be another lovely dinner

K: Talk football with Jerry Rice and own his 1988 game ball

Granted there are too many opportunities to “talk football” with Jerry Rice in this for someone who doesn’t talk football with anybody, “Hear stories, see old pictures, and ask questions,” doesn’t specify that it has to be football related. Rice seems like a nice guy, like there are worse people to talk to, and I’m curious to see what he’d make for brunch on our Zoom call.

B: Play in the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game

Honestly this is 100 percent about practicality. We here at Dime pride ourselves on going to the NBA All-Star Weekend every year and work very hard to provide the best coverage. This is a trip there, plus hotel, plus tickets to everything, and I would get content (and the thrill of a lifetime) out of absolutely giving Dr. Oz the blues during the game. It would save Dime plenty of money to allocate elsewhere this weekend. I am a team player.

B: Experience a day in the offseason with Kyle Allen

Kyle Allen seems very nice and you get to drink wine with him while watching football, let’s cook.

K: Sit courtside and play 5-on-5 with Ben Simmons

You have to understand that this was my LAST CHOICE before we realized we missed a whole bunch of options. Basically I picked this for decent seats and a chance to smile at Kyle O’Quinn again.

R: Softball game for 50 at Dodger Stadium

The Dodgers have far too much confidence in me, here. First I have to find 50 friends to fill out softball rosters. Second, I then have to find up to 500 people to come watch this game. There will be, at most, 30 people playing and a few watching and that’s OK.

R: Ultimate Miami Hurricanes Fan Experience

I was skeptical on this until I learned you GET ONE OF THE ORIGINAL TURNOVER CHAINS. It’s worth every penny.

K: Winemaking with Dwyane Wade

Airfare seems a small price to pay to join Dwyane Wade “during the October wine-harvesting season” and revel in the harvest. You’re gonna be tasting, you’re gonna have big straw hats on, you’re gonna be dancing among the vines, you’re gonna be gently poured into a golf cart and fall asleep at your planned dinner with the Wade family.

B: Penn State Tailgating and Game with Allen Robinson

Some things: 1. I went to Penn State, 2. I went to Penn State when Allen Robinson was there, 3. I had a class with Allen Robinson while both of us were at Penn State (English 297A: Sports/Ethics/Literature) where I never interacted with him but I did interact with a few other football players in the class and they were all very nice guys, 4. This gives me an opportunity to get real reckless at a tailgate, presumably around people I know who would be mystified at the flex that is me tailgating with A-Rob. I might try to win this regardless of this silly exercise.

B: Skate And Play With The 1994 Stanley Cup NY Rangers

Don’t really care for hockey or the Rangers but playing hockey with the 1994 New York Rangers would be kinda rad.

K: Dinner And A One-Of-A-Kind Gift From WrestleMania Legend The Undertaker

Look, my game plan for the Hail Mary round was to lean the hell into experiential drafting. I’ve got no favourite matches or memories to reminisce on with the Undertaker, but I figure we could throw on some Motorhead and have a good time, talk about resiliency. End the night popping up out of garbage cans like some giggling Draculas.

R: Turks & Caicos Vacation With DeSean Jackson

Value play, as this is currently under $7,000 for a weekend trip with the family to Turks & Caicos, all expenses paid. Let’s rock.

R: Play 18 Holes With ‘The Shark’ Greg Norman

Again, I’m thrilled to take all of these golf offerings, and this one includes a round with The Shark, lessons and more.

K: Private Ice Skating Lesson with Michelle Kwan

A good opportunity to finally learn how to stop on skates, and, unfortunately, waste the time of one of the greatest athletes in the world.

B: Be a Part of Donovan Mitchell’s D.O.N. #2 Adidas Shoe Release

Donovan Mitchell is very nice!

B: Double Date With Zach And Julie Ertz – Dinner And Courtside At Sixers

This would be less of a double date and more of me, a single guy who gets way too nervous during international footy matches, picking Julie Ertz’s brain about being a world-class holding midfielder while Zach Ertz, like, eats mozz sticks or something. The Sixers game would be cool, too.

K: Private Fishing Charter With Rookie Of The Year Pete Alonso

Who is this guy? No clue. But he wants to take me fishing.

R: Las Vegas Raiders Game with CC Sabathia

CC Sabathia seems like an incredibly fun person to spend a weekend with in Las Vegas, so this is an easy choice.

R: Jarvis Landry’s Dream Season For Cleveland Browns Fans

As a Browns fan I cannot figure out if this will be incredible or absolute torture, but then again, that’s Browns fandom. It’s an incredible package, especially if the Browns are actually good for once, but if they’re like 4-7 going into Week 13 then this will be miserable. Go Browns.

K: Private Skateboarding Lesson With Tony Hawk

Gotta cross all the kinds of skating one can do off the list. Depending on what bones I’ve broken skating with Michelle Kwan, I’ll do some gnarly kick flips and push mongo into a couple more fractures.

B: TD Garden Experience With Jayson Tatum

Honestly a lot of stuff here to get flown to a place to sit courtside and watch an NBA game is all I really need. I am doing what I can to avoid experiences where travel is not included, so baby, let’s go to Boston and eat food from everything that is open in Boston after 11 p.m. (a few 7/11s and that is it).

B: Choice Of Center Ice Seats Or Suite And Auston Matthews’ Game-Used Jersey

My last time in Toronto was Game 5 of the 2019 NBA Finals, where I stood in Jurassic Park (it was nice!). You might remember it as the night Kevin Durant ruptured his achilles. I remember it as the night I went to a bar called Toby’s and saw a dude get annihilated in a fight, then he stood there after everyone left and he told passersby that he won the fight despite his mouth being filled with blood. Anyway, I forgot what I’m talking about.

K: Double Date With Russell Wilson And Ciara

One secret you can know about me is that when I hear ‘Ride’ I feel incredibly powerful and also start to cry. Ciara won’t be able to teach me those moves, because no one can move like her, but we can have a lovely dinner and talk about what it’s like to strike primal fear into the hearts of everyone who watches you dance.

R: Run Out with the LA Chargers and Play in the Annual Chargers Golf Invitational

I’m just here for the golf at Riviera.

R: Georgia Tailgate And Game Day With Todd Gurley

Todd Gurley is a very cool person and he is treated, appropriately, as a god at Georgia, so this would be incredibly fun. Also, I’m from Atlanta, so it’s a flight home.

K: Suite at SoFi Stadium and Run Out with the Los Angeles Rams

Once more, don’t know these guys, but would love the rush of running en masse down a dark tunnel together toward vibrating light and confetti and the lustful cries of thousands. Like going to heaven?

B: 1986 Team-Signed World Series Mets Jersey and NYC Baseball Games with Darryl Strawberry
B: Co-Host On CBS Sports With Tiki Barber

These two go together. Strawberry’s trip requires me lugging myself to NYC. Tiki, on the other, is paid for. So my plan is to go be A Newsman (which, potentially, could be parlayed into a career move if it goes well), then go chill with Darryl Strawberry for a while at a few baseball games and get a jersey out of it that I could sell to someone named Tony who lives in Queens and would pay $50,000 for a signed ‘86 Mets jersey.

K: Play a 3-on-3 Pick Up Game with Shaq and 4 of Your Friends

You know there’s some kind of racket involved if Shaq is, and you really do have to pay for the chance to run around with him here, but having him hoist me up to dunk in front of three of the tallest friends I’ll choose to accompany me will be great revenge.

R: Private Texas Hold ‘Em Lesson with Phil Hellmuth

Not sure I care too much about the lesson with Hellmuth, but it might be educational. Mostly, I’m always in on a Vegas trip to Aria.

R: Sideline Experience At Tennessee: Vol Walk and Lead Rocky Top

Options are dwindling at this point, so I’ll check off another SEC stadium off my list by going to a Vols game.

K: Henrik Lundqvist’s One-Of-A-Kind, Game-Used Mask

I don’t know. It was getting rough out there and if I couldn’t sell this I could make a fruit basket out of it.

B: Shane Battier Shares His Playbook For Success With Your Team Or Company

It was this or pay for a trip to Tampa to hang out with Tom Brady and I would rather do this entire exercise again than pay to go to Tampa.

Although state governments are starting to inch toward the possibility of relaxing some restrictions related to the current situation, large-scale gatherings have been deemed to be unfeasible over the coming months. San Diego Comic-Con organizers have now decided, for the first time, to cancel the summer’s annual gathering of cosplayers in the interest of flattening the curve. This development follows a recent declaration by California Governor Gavin Newsom that the continuation of “large-scale events that bring in hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of strangers” should “not be in the cards” for awhile.

This effectively puts summer events within the state on hold, including SDCC, which was scheduled for July 23-26. Variety reports that, in 2021, the event will take place from July 22-25, but you can put away the Stormtrooper costume for now. Given that the event attracts over 130,000 attendees annually, the Comic-Con International organizers cited Newsom’s recent comments:

“Recognizing that countless attendees save and plan for its conventions each year, and how many exhibitors and stakeholders rely upon its events for a major portion of their livelihood, [organizers] had hoped to delay this decision in anticipation that COVID-19 concerns might lessen by summer. Continuous monitoring of health advisories and recent statements by the Governor of California have made it clear that it would not be safe to move forward with plans for this year.”

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has likewise declared that concerts and major sporting events aren’t likely to occur until 2021. He and Newsom have been joined in their sentiments by NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio, who went ahead and cancelled all summer gatherings in the Big Apple as well. In doing so, De Blasio stressed that he wants to get people back to jobs and children into schools again, but gathering tens of thousands of people together for events is “like the exact opposite of social distancing.”

(Via Variety)